I have a word I have been holding near and dear to my heart this week. Actually I have a few, but the biggest one right now is GRATITUDE.
There is something about what happened in Japan and what continues to happen in the Middle East, that has made me grateful.
Yes, you read that right. Grateful.
Let me explain...
Am I grateful that the Japanese are going through and facing some of the most unbelievable challenges since World War 2 or that some countries in the Middle East are on the brink of war? Of course not. OMG not at all. Watching those images and the catastrophic pain they are coping with, some on every level a human could experience, was sending me into a fast depression to be honest. My heart was breaking for them and what they are going through and I realized I needed to do what I could to help from my little corner of the world and then stop checking the news 15 times a day. Reading the news continually was not going to help anyone, let alone me.
It's been a really long and sad 4 months for our family. As some of our readers know, my brother took his own life in
November and even in hindsight, there were NO signs it was coming. The biggest hint I had was my own intuition, which I ignored because there were no outward rational hints he was showing that indicated he was feeling anything but good. Nothing for me to sit down with him, put on my "woo woo" hat and say "Hey, your life is going great and you seem totally happy but psychically I am thinking you are feeling suicidal?"
Really, who says that? Especially to someone who outwardly seems 100% fine, happy and enjoying life?
Do I regret not talking to him? Of course. Do I think it would have stopped him if I had said that? I have no idea. And that has torn me up to bits since the day he died. When
someone you love dies you always go back over their last days, weeks what have you and think,
hmmm "What if...? Why didn't I...?" If it is a suicide, of course inevitably you think and ask "Could I have stopped him...?" or the even harder more egotistical questions of "Why weren't we enough for him to want to live?"
These are the things that I have been spinning around in my head since November 14th.
And then the earthquake in Japan hit, which for me, confounded the memories of my brother. Lars lived in Japan for 4 years and came back talking about
survivalism and why
it is so important. We all nodded, smiled, listened politely and often rolled our eyes at him as he purchased a few bottles of potassium iodide just in case of a nuclear fallout (
That really made us go WTF dude? Seriously? And now we can see why) and stored a ridiculous amount of food in the basement. Then on March 11th we "got it". After living in Japan, a country that is largely run on nuclear power and where a natural disaster can hit at any given moment, he learned you need to be prepared for the worst. I wish he was alive to see how much he taught us regarding
emergency planning and survival. I realized watching the coverage of the crisis in Japan, that my brother wasn't going crazy storing half of Costco in our basement just for
himself. We've realized it was enough for him, my dad, me, Chad and the kids and other people close to him that he cared about, because that is the amazing and loving person he was...
What I was trying to say before I got distracted thinking and remembering my brother (thank you for patiently listening to me btw when I go off on one of those tangents ♥) is that watching the news and thinking about my brother was making me feel so helpless...and sad....and reminded that really, when a crisis is going to happen, it is going to happen and 9 times out of 10 there isn't anything you can do to stop it.
Those realizations sent me into a tail spin. Admitting that you don't have a lot of control in what goes on around you and taking the cap of temporary ignorance off , is scary. Especially if you are a mother.
I did not have control over my brother and the choice he himself decided to make. To die, to end his life, was his choice.
I did not have control over my mother's life and her life long, often touch and go battle, with severe polycystic kidney disease, nor the fact that she died on September 4th, 2001 and wasn't there to see me get married or have children - something she so desperately wanted to be around for.
Some of the most defining moments of my life (not all of course, but some), I had no control over them happening.
It is scary to think that you have no control, for the most part, over the most important people in your life and what happens to them (other than your young children, but even then you can't control them and if you try, it won't last long) or that you really have no control over what happens in the world and universe at large. Sorry to say, but you don't.
The good news? Because there is good news here! :D
You do however, have control over yourself and the choices you make and that is where change starts.
It starts with you. It starts with being grateful.
This is why to me, it is so important to share my feelings about my brother and some of my other life experiences, because I think so often it is easy to be on the other side of a computer screen and think that another persons life is perfect and that they don't know adversity, or depression, or abuse, or grief, or any other loss, hardship and anything and everything in between, because so often we talk only about what is good and what we like.
I've thought that before, especially reading the happy go lucky posts on message boards where anonymous posters with their mother of the year awards all lined up and they are all perky! and happy! and have perfect children and a perfect house! and seem, well, perfect!!! And that can be intimidating and then it would get me thinking "that is easy for them, their life is perfect" because it sounded like it was, and then I realized that no one is perfect. We are often presented that way online because it is more enjoyable and uplifting to talk about good and happy things. And that is fine too, talking about the good stuff is fun and what we do here more often than not on our blog as well. :o)
But, I want you to know I am real and OMG I am so far from perfect and that just like many of you, I've been through the wringer and have been through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. I could very easily spend the rest of my life feeling pity and thinking 'oh poor me, nothing ever works out for me, my brother committed suicide in November, my mother was sick my entire life growing up and died too young, it seems the whole world is out to get me, why me? blah blah blah'.
Ummm, no thanks. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be happy. How can you make a difference in the world if you are always throwing yourself a perpetual pity part and bitching about everyone and everything allll the time? I don't think you can, not for any length of time anyway...
I could be a victim of my own life (like many people are, which is truly sad) or I can turn it around and take my experiences and somehow, find a way, no matter how small to give back and help others. That is honestly what I feel my purpose in life is, is just to give back and help in any way I can.
I can't control that my brother died and I can't control that my mother died any more than I can control when the sun rises and sets. So why dwell on it? Choosing to be happy does not mean I am not sad they are gone nor does it mean that I don't miss them, or that I'm not still grieving (because I am). Of course I am sad they are gone and it goes without saying I miss them desperately and I still have my moments where I will sit down and sob and let it out and that is okay.
This is not about ignoring your feelings at all. But the difference is, I acknowledge my feelings, see what I can do to change the situation (which is often doing something to change myself - like a taking a break if I am getting cranky and overwhelmed for example, or choosing to go somewhere and cry if I need to) and then make a conscious choice not to dwell on it and instead choose to be thankful for the time I had with my mom and my brother and everything they taught me.
Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Almost everyone has seen or heard that quote and it is one of my favourites.
The change I want to see in this world? That's easy. Gratitude. Love. Kindness. Respect. Charity.
It sounds simple really doesn't it?
But there is a key, or a trick to making it all work. The key to it all, is you need to feel it all in your heart and do it for all the right reasons. Not just for the money, not just for showing off and making yourself look better in front of others, not for the accolades...basically if what you are doing is based solely on the way it feeds your ego, then it's not the right way as far as I am concerned, but that is just my not so humble opinion.
Does that mean that you shouldn't get the accolades, or the paychecks or the rewards or attention you deserve? Of course not. You should! Absolutely!
But if you (and when I say 'you' I mean as in general you, not anyone specifically) are throwing money around for example and simply wanting to look charitable to others so they think 'wow, what a great person' and you are hoping they will gush about you and go on and on and on and that is the driving force (meaning your main intent) behind what you do, well that is nice of you to do those things. But you are doing that to make yourself feel better first and foremost, you aren't doing it with the main intent to help others. The intent here in this case is what it does for you (again, general 'you') and that is feeding your ego.
It needs to feed your soul first.
A good example is after I post this today, I am going to clean my house. It's cluttered and disorganized and OMG I need to get it all straightened out, otherwise my children are going to go missing in the piles of laundry and dishes somewhere! :Þ
Today, that is going to feed my soul - simply having a clean house and enjoying it more when it is tidy and organized (it's the little things for me! :Þ). I'm not going to go nuts cleaning just so that when my husband comes home from work he'll gush about how great I am and how clean the house is. My intent for a clean house is not ego driven (ie wanting/needing the feedback), my intent is the need for a calm, tidy and organized home (that feeds my soul and a clean house makes everyone in the house happier). Do I appreciate it if I am appreciated? Of course! But that is not what is driving me at all. Same with acts of charity, it's about giving back and helping others, whether anyone else knows that I am doing it or not, is completely irrelevant to me.
See the difference? It's subtle.
When you love yourself and accept yourself for who you are, people feel it - it does affect those around you. When you are grateful for yourself, and your family and everything you have in your life, people feel it. It's contagious in the best way possible, but the same can be said for any negative feelings you have so remember that too. When you are kind to yourself, respect yourself and nurture yourself, again, people feel it. They do, whether they realize it or not, they do. It's all like a ripple affect. Be charitable to yourself, even if that is insisting you need to get groceries by yourself without any little helpers just so you can have some quiet time with your thoughts and to just...be. It is much easier to feel love and gratitude for others when you take time to do the little things that feed your spirit, and that might be as simple as running a few errands by yourself for an hour. They don't have to be huge!
When you are feeling love, and gratitude and then taking some of what you have, what you are feeling, what you have learned, what you have experienced and go forward turning it into something good and meaningful by giving back and helping others - then you start making a difference. But like Gandhi said, first you have to "be that difference". Basically, it boils down to energy, intent (see the above examples on what drives you do to what you do) and feelings - and you need to direct them at yourself first. Sounds hokey I know. But I am an 'energy/vibe' type person, I was raised that way and I know first hand that your 'energy' as in your emotions and what you feel, directly affects what happens to you and that around you to a very large extent. I've also learned that it might upset my kids bit when I leave them home with my hubby so I can go and get groceries for an hour alone, but I will be soooo much better off to nurture them and be a better, more grateful and loving person, if I can get those rare quiet moments to myself.
So how do you turn things around?
Do what I did and find something to be grateful for. It might be small or baby steps for you, but there has to be something. :o)
I was in a really weird, sad, irritable mood on March 14th. It was the 4 month anniversary of my brother's passing and my kids, gotta love 'em, were driving me crazy. That is the censored version of how they were making me feel actually. :Þ The house was a mess, my kids were cranky, fighting and bugging each other and it was all enough to make me run screaming out of my house begging someone to put me in a straight jacket and take me away. I was on the brink of becoming a shrieking looney tune, that often happens to the best of us in times like that.... :D
I stopped amidst the chaos and I thought of some of the mother's in Japan. Guaranteed there are mothers/parents who lost their children in the tsunami (I didn't read it, nor do I want to to be honest, but due to the magnitude of that disaster, you know tragically, it happened). Or they if they didn't, they lost their house, or a family member for example.
So, (and take this as an example of changing your thinking and thus your 'energy') I looked around my house, which was a total disaster and looked at my kids, who were plotting ways to pounce on each other and I was grateful. I made myself feel totally grateful. It took a few minutes to be honest, but I was not going to give up. I made myself do it, think about it and eventually feel it.
I thought about those around the world who were facing massive disasters and a much bigger magnitude of loss and devastation than I have ever experienced, and I was grateful that my kids were alive and healthy enough to drive each other crazy. I was grateful that I am raising my daughter in a free country where she can speak her mind, be whatever she wants to be and wear whatever she wants to wear without being persecuted for it. I was grateful that I had a beautiful house to live in and a roof over my head, and things to mess it up. There were kids clothes everywhere, dishes in the sink, toys, you name it...it was on my floor and all over my house. My house that was still standing and would continue to do so. I reminded myself to be thankful that I had food to mess up my dishes, clean water to wash them in, clothes for my kids and toys for them to play with. Then I cleaned it up. And I'm assuming because I was now feeling love and gratitude to the point I almost started singing like my life was a musical, my kids willingly chipped and and helped me out, which is not normal for them - at all without a lot of cajoling on my part. ;o)
I turned it around and I was feeling pretty low and quite down and depressed when I started. That is how you do it. It's really simple and yes, sometimes you need to force yourself, but you can do it. Trust me, if I can do it, you can too. Like anything worthwhile in life, sometimes you have to put some effort into it. :o)
It was my mom who taught me this skill. 3 times a week she would shuffle off to her dialysis sessions, which were also in the same building as the Tom Baker Cancer Clinic here in Calgary. Sometimes those dialysis sessions were brutal and painful and she would crash (ie her blood pressure would plummet) but she would still find a way to be grateful.
She would look at the cancer patients who were undergoing chemo and were weak and losing their hair, or were walking out sobbing and in shock because they were just told they only had weeks left to live, and she would be grateful for herself. My mom was *really* sick almost her entire adult life, but she didn't think that way. She would be grateful that the only problem as she put it, was her kidneys didn't work. And if it was a particularly bad day or dialysis session for her, she would look up at the hospital windows as she left and be grateful that even though she was feeling crappy, she got to go home. No matter how she was feeling or what she was going through, she always found something to be grateful for and meant it. She felt it. Out of everything my mom taught me in my life, that has to be the most profound and helpful lesson I could have ever learned.
That my friends, is how you learn to find gratitude in the face of adversity...
With love and light ♥,
PS The picture at the top is my brother this time last year with my kids when we were out Geocaching. :o) In his is life and even in his death he has taught me so much and helped me to become a better person, and for that I am grateful. Love you dentd_halo ♥
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On March 17, 2011, the Davis family sat in a Russian courtroom and listened as the judge rejected their plea to adopt Kirill, an orphan with Down syndrome. "The judge said, “Your application to adopt is rejected.” The basis given was that Kirill was “not socially adaptable” due to his “medical condition” and he was better off in an institution than in a home with a family. As the judge read her ruling, she stated several times that we were a good family, that we met all the criteria to adopt a child, but that she would not approve our adoption because Kirill has Down syndrome. She told us that we could adopt another child, because legally our application had no problems according to Russian adoption law. She said she would approve our adoption for a “typical” child, but not this child. Why? The only reason? Because he has Down syndrome." 
