In Search Of Soul Food...

I am having an incredible time here this week on Vancouver Island. I feel so much more grounded and focused and I seem to have recaptured that feeling of being alive and awake and alert and as a very wise person has said, feeling much better than before. :o)

This is the trip my spirit and soul needed to heal - I am so glad I listened to my intuition and got on that plane even though I miss my husband and kids desperately. I feel like I have been set back on the right path again and I am reminded of the journey I want to take in my life. I want to help people. I want to write, I want to talk, I want to BE.

The invigorating feeling of inspired knowing is an amazing thing to capture and then to learn how to hold on to it, as I have this week, is golden.

The sun is shining and the wind is whispering to come outside and play. As much as I want to shout from the blog-o-sphere about my trip and the simple soul lessons I've learned so far, I will have to wait until I am home next week to let my fingers fly across the keyboard. :o)

Instead I will leave you with these words from a man who was ahead of his time and I wish on so many levels I could have met:

"Life is not a journey in time, it is a journey in awareness." ~ Jose Silva

I hope you are all having an amazing week like I am.

With love and light always,

Remember, It's the Simple Things That are Significant....

This is a lovely quote that simply reminded me of the important things in life... ♥

"At the end of your life, you will never regret not having passed one more test, not winning one more verdict, or not closing one more deal. You will regret time not spent with a husband, a friend, a child, or a parent."

-- Barbara Bush

It is so perfectly true isn't it?

Just a little something for this Wordy Wednesday to remind you of what is important and to hopefully nudge you to slow down a bit, enjoy your life to the fullest and to remember what it was like when you were little. Remember way back when, when you were still in awe of the simple things in life, like the flowers blooming in spring, the way the wind blew through your hair when you were racing around the neighbourhood on your bike, how fascinating the ants were as they busily bustled down the sidewalk, the way the clouds floated by in the sky? Don't ever stop being in awe and don't ever forget it is the simple things in life that are significant.

I hope you are all having a wonderful week!

With love and light ♥,

An Inspirational Challenge That Feeds Your Spirit...

Who inspires you? How do you keep your head up and a smile on your face when all you want to do is hide under the covers and shut the world out? How do you feed the spirit and soul of others for the pure and simple joy of knowing you made someone smile and feel good?

One person who inspires me is my good friend Lisa. Lisa is one of the most beautiful people I know, inside and out. To say that she is inspiring, motivating and uplifting would be a complete understatement. She is amazing and the strength of her spirit never ceases to astound me.

Lisa started off two years ago determined to get back in shape. Like many of us after a couple of kids and days with good intentions but not great food choices and little physical activity, the road ahead was long. I remember her first Facebook post when she started and she was cheering herself for taking a run around the block and how she could really only run, literally, for less than 5 minutes and going around the block was as far as she could go. She was her own cheerleader and she was good at it! :D

Most of us, would feel down on ourselves, thinking that going 5 minutes around the block wasn't good enough to share with the world, because sadly, that is what we are led to believe - we live in a culture that is all about big! and dramatic! 

Lisa was so thrilled with herself and posted every accomplishment on her Facebook status. Her milestones  were small to start off with and eventually over the months they got bigger and led to a status update on completing a Mini Triathalon and starting her own fitness company ("Healthy Way Fitness - Medicine Hat"). Lisa knew and still knows, that it is the little things that add up to something big and wonderful and she has re-inforced that over the last couple of years to hundreds of people. If ever there was a girl with tenacity, determination and patience, it is her.

She is one of those changes people wish to see in the world. ♥

This week, Lisa started a challenge on her blog called "30 Days of Challenges" and that is what we are sharing with our readers today. She is at Day 4 of the challenge, but I'm sure you'll have a lot of fun and no problem catching up! 

So, here are the first 4 days of Lisa's challenge from her site "Healthy-Way-Fitness.com" or if you rather, you can find the challenges on her Facebook Group. But either way, they are a lot of fun, so inspiring and just another reminder for something else I am grateful for - Lisa, her friendship and the way she is truly making a difference in the world with her beautiful spirit and positive outlook. ♥

Here are the challenges thus far:

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30 Days of Challenges

by Lisa Simchison

Founder of Healthy Way Fitness - Medicine Hat, Alberta

Hi everyone! I have been working on something new and exciting!  I am putting together a fantastic 30 day challenge for you all to try!  Every day I will post one new challenge. Some will be physical challenges and some will be things you can do in your day to think and act more positively about yourself and others.

 
Check back every day to see what the challenge of the day is!!  See if you can accomplish them ALL!!

Photo Credit

Day 1:

Smile!  I want you to smile every single time you see your reflection and every time you make eye contact with someone else today.  This is a very powerful thing to do, trust me!!  Most of the time we spend looking at ourselves, we are examining the parts we don't like and making frowny faces at all the things we want to change, but NOT today!  Today you need to smile at yourself and others. You will feel silly at first but it will get easier and it will start to feel natural, so go now and look at yourself and smile!


Day 2:

Get out a pen and some sticky notes for this one!!  Today's challenge is borrowed from the wonderful creators of Operation Beautiful (if you have never checked out their amazing website you need to).

Today you are going to leave random notes or messages for people telling them how beautiful or wonderful or kind they are, including yourself! 

The first one should be on your mirror in your bathroom or somewhere that you will see it.  Write something about yourself that will make you feel great every time you read it and then leave it there ALL day!  Post something on someone's Facebook wall or send them a private message, tell someone you know how great they are.   Then when you are at work or the mall or somewhere public, leave a sticky note somewhere where people will see it!  The note should say something nice like “Smile, you are beautiful” or “you are PERFECT just the way are!” -  those are just a few ideas to get you started!  This is a wonderful way to pay it forward and it will make every person who reads your note feel great all day long (and you will too)!!  If you want I would love to see a picture of your note!  You can email it to me and I will add it to the page!!  What a great way to send out some positivity!! :)

Here is my note that I have on my mirror for the morning:

Photo Courtesy of Lisa Simchison

Day 3: 

I am very excited about day 3!  Today I want you to do something completely random and kind for a stranger.  This is called Random Acts of Kindness.

There are many, many websites out there with wonderful ideas and stories about the great types of Random Acts of Kindness!  A few good ideas are buying a coffee for the person behind you in the drive thru, leaving a little gift certificate (even just for $1) for a coffee on someone's windshield in a parking lot, you can also leave a note for your mail carrier thanking them for their hard work!  The possibilities are literally endless! 

Here is a link to some random acts of kindness cards that you can print out and leave with your little act of kindness!  This will help the person understand why they are getting the nice surprise and will hopefully encourage them to keep the kindness going (you can also make your own cards too if you like).  I really hope that you will try this one out.  Just try one random act of kindness today, one will become two and two will become many!  It is kind of addictive, because it feels soooo good to be nice to people and to make someone’s day!  Please let me know how you do with this challenge!! :)

Photo credit

Day 4: 

Today’s challenge is a very hard one!  We all have things that we love about ourselves and things that we really don't love about ourselves. 

Today I want you to get out your camera (or your cell phone camera) and take two pictures. The first picture will be of something that you love about yourself, like your eyes or your hair, whatever it is that you love about yourself.  The second picture will be of something that you dislike about yourself.  No one else has to see the pictures unless you want to share them.  They are for you to look at. 

I want you to really look at them, and write down at least 3 reasons why you love that feature and at least 3 reasons why you dislike the other feature.  This may sound silly but it is very self-reflecting, most of the time the things we don't like are not as bad as we see them.  After you have written down the 3 reasons for each trait, you need to post the picture of the thing you love most about yourself (and the 3 reasons) on your fridge for you to see every day!  Then you need to destroy the picture of the thing you dislike the most about yourself (and the 3 reasons).  You really need to destroy the picture (it is very therapeutic!). Step on it, tear it up, cut it with scissors, or crunch it up and toss it in the garbage, whatever you choose make it dramatic. We often put too much merit on the negative things about ourselves and not nearly enough on the great things about us! 

This exercise will help focus on the positive things and forget the negative ones! 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And that my friends is just the beginning of Lisa's wonderful and uplifting 30 Days of Challenges! Aren't they great? Just simple things, that can have a significant impact - I love them! Again, this is not a challenge Heather and I are putting on, the above was copied and pasted directly from our friend Lisa's website, Healthy-Way-Fitness.com. To keep up with the daily challenges you must pop over to Lisa's website or join her Facebook Group so you get them in your newsfeed each day. We would love to hear how you are doing and will keep you updated over the next 30 days on how we are doing with them as well!




Have a fabulous weekend everyone!


With love and light ♥,

 

Finding Gratitude in the Face of Adversity...

 

I have a word I have been holding near and dear to my heart this week. Actually I have a few, but the biggest one right now is GRATITUDE.

There is something about what happened in Japan and what continues to happen in the Middle East, that has made me grateful. 

Yes, you read that right. Grateful.

Let me explain...

Am I grateful that the Japanese are going through and facing some of the most unbelievable challenges since World War 2 or that some countries in the Middle East are on the brink of war? Of course not. OMG not at all. Watching those images and the catastrophic pain they are coping with, some on every level a human could experience, was sending me into a fast depression to be honest. My heart was breaking for them and what they are going through and I realized I needed to do what I could to help from my little corner of the world and then stop checking the news 15 times a day. Reading the news continually was not going to help anyone, let alone me.

It's been a really long and sad 4 months for our family. As some of our readers know, my brother took his own life in November and even in hindsight, there were NO signs it was coming. The biggest hint I had was my own intuition, which I ignored because there were no outward rational hints he was showing that indicated he was feeling anything but good. Nothing for me to sit down with him, put on my "woo woo" hat and say "Hey, your life is going great and you seem totally happy but psychically I am thinking you are feeling suicidal?"

Really, who says that? Especially to someone who outwardly seems 100% fine, happy and enjoying life?

Do I regret not talking to him? Of course. Do I think it would have stopped him if I had said that? I have no idea. And that has torn me up to bits since the day he died. When someone you love dies you always go back over their last days, weeks what have you and think, hmmm "What if...? Why didn't I...?" If it is a suicide, of course inevitably you think and ask "Could I have stopped him...?" or the even harder more egotistical questions of "Why weren't we enough for him to want to live?"

These are the things that I have been spinning around in my head since November 14th.

And then the earthquake in Japan hit, which for me, confounded the memories of my brother. Lars lived in Japan for 4 years and came back talking about survivalism and why it is so important. We all nodded, smiled, listened politely and often rolled our eyes at him as he purchased a few bottles of potassium iodide just in case of a nuclear fallout (That really made us go WTF dude? Seriously? And now we can see why) and stored a ridiculous amount of food in the basement. Then on March 11th we "got it". After living in Japan, a country that is largely run on nuclear power and where a natural disaster can hit at any given moment, he learned you need to be prepared for the worst. I wish he was alive to see how much he taught us regarding emergency planning and survival. I realized watching the coverage of the crisis in Japan, that my brother wasn't going crazy storing half of Costco in our basement just for himself. We've realized it was enough for him, my dad, me, Chad and the kids and other people close to him that he cared about, because that is the amazing and loving person he was...

What I was trying to say before I got distracted thinking and remembering my brother (thank you for patiently listening to me btw when I go off on one of those tangents ♥) is that watching the news and thinking about my brother was making me feel so helpless...and sad....and reminded that really, when a crisis is going to happen, it is going to happen and 9 times out of 10 there isn't anything you can do to stop it.

Those realizations sent me into a tail spin. Admitting that you don't have a lot of control in what goes on around you and taking the cap of temporary ignorance off , is scary. Especially if you are a mother.

I did not have control over my brother and the choice he himself decided to make. To die, to end his life, was his choice.

I did not have control over my mother's life and  her life long, often touch and go battle, with severe polycystic kidney disease, nor the fact that she died on September 4th, 2001 and wasn't there to see me get married or have children - something she so desperately wanted to be around for.

Some of the most defining moments of my life (not all of course, but some), I had no control over them happening.

It is scary to think that you have no control, for the most part, over the most important people in your life and what happens to them (other than your young children, but even then you can't control them and if you try, it won't last long) or that you really have no control over what happens in the world and universe at large. Sorry to say, but you don't.

The good news? Because there is good news here! :D

You do however, have control over yourself and the choices you make and that is where change starts.

It starts with you. It starts with being grateful.

This is why to me, it is so important to share my feelings about my brother and some of my other life experiences, because I think so often it is easy to be on the other side of a computer screen and think that another persons life is perfect and that they don't know adversity, or depression, or abuse, or grief, or any other loss, hardship and anything and everything in between, because so often we talk only about what is good and what we like.

I've thought that before, especially reading the happy go lucky posts on message boards where anonymous posters with their mother of the year awards all lined up and they are all perky! and happy! and have perfect children and a perfect house! and seem, well, perfect!!! And that can be intimidating and then it would get me thinking "that is easy for them, their life is perfect" because it sounded like it was, and then I realized that no one is perfect. We are often presented that way online because it is more enjoyable and uplifting to talk about good and happy things. And that is fine too, talking about the good stuff is fun and what we do here more often than not on our blog as well. :o)

But, I want you to know I am real and OMG I am so far from perfect and that just like many of you, I've been through the wringer and have been through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. I could very easily spend the rest of my life feeling pity and thinking 'oh poor me, nothing ever works out for me, my brother committed suicide in November, my mother was sick my entire life growing up and died too young, it seems the whole world is out to get me, why me? blah blah blah'.

Ummm, no thanks. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be happy. How can you make a difference in the world if you are always throwing yourself a perpetual pity part and bitching about everyone and everything allll the time? I don't think you can, not for any length of time anyway...

I could be a victim of my own life (like many people are, which is truly sad) or I can turn it around and take my experiences and somehow, find a way, no matter how small to give back and help others. That is honestly what I feel my purpose in life is, is just to give back and help in any way I can.

I can't control that my brother died and I can't control that my mother died any more than I can control when the sun rises and sets. So why dwell on it? Choosing to be happy does not mean I am not sad they are gone nor does it mean that I don't miss them, or that I'm not still grieving (because I am). Of course I am sad they are gone and it goes without saying I miss them desperately and I still have my moments where I will sit down and sob and let it out and that is okay.

This is not about ignoring your feelings at all. But the difference is, I acknowledge my feelings, see what I can do to change the situation (which is often doing something to change myself - like a taking a break if I am getting cranky and overwhelmed for example, or choosing to go somewhere and cry if I need to) and then make a conscious choice not to dwell on it and instead choose to be thankful for the time I had with my mom and my brother and everything they taught me.

Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Almost everyone has seen or heard that quote and it is one of my favourites.

The change I want to see in this world? That's easy. Gratitude. Love. Kindness. Respect. Charity.

It sounds simple really doesn't it?

But there is a key, or a trick to making it all work. The key to it all, is you need to feel it all in your heart and do it for all the right reasons. Not just for the money, not just for showing off and making yourself look better in front of others, not for the accolades...basically if what you are doing is based solely on the way it feeds your ego, then it's not the right way as far as I am concerned, but that is just my not so humble opinion.

Does that mean that you shouldn't get the accolades, or the paychecks or the rewards or attention you deserve? Of course not. You should! Absolutely!

But if you (and when I say 'you' I mean as in general you, not anyone specifically) are throwing money around for example and simply wanting to look charitable to others so they think 'wow, what a great person' and you are hoping they will gush about you and go on and on and on and that is the driving force (meaning your main intent) behind what you do, well that is nice of you to do those things. But you are doing that to make yourself feel better first and foremost, you aren't doing it with the main intent to help others. The intent here in this case is what it does for you (again, general 'you') and that is feeding your ego.

It needs to feed your soul first. 

A good example is after I post this today, I am going to clean my house. It's cluttered and disorganized and OMG I need to get it all straightened out, otherwise my children are going to go missing in the piles of laundry and dishes somewhere! :Þ

Today, that is going to feed my soul - simply having a clean house and enjoying it more when it is tidy and organized (it's the little things for me! :Þ). I'm not going to go nuts cleaning just so that when my husband comes home from work he'll gush about how great I am and how clean the house is. My intent for a clean house is not ego driven (ie wanting/needing the feedback), my intent is the need for a calm, tidy and organized home (that feeds my soul and a clean house makes everyone in the house happier). Do I appreciate it if I am appreciated? Of course! But that is not what is driving me at all. Same with acts of charity, it's about giving back and helping others, whether anyone else knows that I am doing it or not, is completely irrelevant to me.

See the difference? It's subtle.

When you love yourself and accept yourself for who you are, people feel it - it does affect those around you. When you are grateful for yourself, and your family and everything you have in your life, people feel it. It's contagious in the best way possible, but the same can be said for any negative feelings you have so remember that too. When you are kind to yourself, respect yourself and nurture yourself, again, people feel it. They do, whether they realize it or not, they do. It's all like a ripple affect. Be charitable to yourself, even if that is insisting you need to get groceries by yourself without any little helpers just so you can have some quiet time with your thoughts and to just...be. It is much easier to feel love and gratitude for others when you take time to do the little things that feed your spirit, and that might be as simple as running a few errands by yourself for an hour. They don't have to be huge!

When you are feeling love, and gratitude and then taking some of what you have, what you are feeling, what you have learned, what you have experienced  and go forward turning it into something good and meaningful by giving back and helping others - then you start making a difference. But like Gandhi said, first you have to "be that difference".  Basically, it boils down to energy, intent (see the above examples on what drives you do to what you do) and feelings - and you need to direct them at yourself first. Sounds hokey I know. But I am an 'energy/vibe' type person, I was raised that way and I know first hand that your 'energy' as in your emotions and what you feel, directly affects what happens to you and that around you to a very large extent. I've also learned that it might upset my kids  bit when I leave them home with my hubby so I can go and get groceries for an hour alone, but I will be soooo much better off to nurture them and be a better, more grateful and loving person, if I can get those rare quiet moments to myself.

So how do you turn things around? 

Do what I did and find something to be grateful for. It might be small or baby steps for you, but there has to be something. :o)

I was in a really weird, sad, irritable mood on March 14th. It was the 4 month anniversary of my brother's passing and my kids, gotta love 'em, were driving me crazy. That is the censored version of how they were making me feel actually. :Þ The house was a mess, my kids were cranky, fighting and bugging each other and it was all enough to make me run screaming out of my house begging someone to put me in a straight jacket and take me away. I was on the brink of becoming a shrieking looney tune, that often happens to the best of us in times like that.... :D

I stopped amidst the chaos and I thought of some of the mother's in Japan. Guaranteed there are mothers/parents who lost their children in the tsunami (I didn't read it, nor do I want to to be honest, but due to the magnitude of that disaster, you know tragically, it happened). Or they if they didn't, they lost their house, or a family member for example.

So, (and take this as an example of changing your thinking and thus your 'energy') I looked around my house, which was a total disaster and looked at my kids, who were plotting ways to pounce on each other and I was grateful. I made myself feel totally grateful. It took a few minutes to be honest, but I was not going to give up. I made myself do it, think about it and eventually feel it.

I thought about those around the world who were facing massive disasters and a much bigger magnitude of loss and devastation than I have ever experienced, and I was grateful that  my kids were alive and healthy enough to drive each other crazy. I was grateful that I am raising my daughter in a free country where she can speak her mind, be whatever she wants to be and wear whatever she wants to wear without being persecuted for it. I was grateful that I had a beautiful house to live in and a roof over my head, and things to mess it up. There were kids clothes everywhere, dishes in the sink, toys, you name it...it was on my floor and all over my house. My house that was still standing and would continue to do so. I reminded myself to be thankful that I had food to mess up my dishes, clean water to wash them in, clothes for my kids and toys for them to play with. Then I cleaned it up. And I'm assuming because I was now feeling love and gratitude to the point I almost started singing like my life was a musical, my kids willingly chipped and and helped me out, which is not normal for them - at all without a lot of cajoling on my part. ;o)

I turned it around and I was feeling pretty low and quite down and depressed when I started. That is how you do it. It's really simple and yes, sometimes you need to force yourself, but you can do it. Trust me, if I can do it, you can too. Like anything worthwhile in life, sometimes you have to put some effort into it. :o)

It was my mom who taught me this skill. 3 times a week she would shuffle off to her dialysis sessions, which were also in the same building as the Tom Baker Cancer Clinic here in Calgary. Sometimes those dialysis sessions were brutal and painful and she would crash (ie her blood pressure would plummet) but she would still find a way to be grateful.

She would look at the cancer patients who were undergoing chemo and were weak and losing their hair, or were walking out sobbing and in shock because they were just told they only had weeks left to live, and she would be grateful for herself. My mom was *really* sick almost her entire adult life, but she didn't think that way. She would be grateful that the only problem as she put it, was her kidneys didn't work. And if it was a particularly bad day or dialysis session for her, she would look up at the hospital windows as she left and be grateful that even though she was feeling crappy, she got to go home. No matter how she was feeling or what she was going through, she always found something to be grateful for and meant it. She felt it. Out of everything my mom taught me in my life, that has to be the most profound and helpful lesson I could have ever learned.

That my friends, is how you learn to find gratitude in the face of adversity...

With love and light ♥, 

 

PS The picture at the top is my brother this time last year with my kids when we were out Geocaching. :o) In his is life and even in his death he has taught me so much and helped me to become a better person, and for that I am grateful. Love you dentd_halo ♥

What (Not) To Say Series, Part 2: Families with Unique Children

Over 20 years ago I met a girl named Laura at summer camp.  We lost touch for most of those years and found each other again on Facebook a while back.  I've been following her family on their family blog, called Little Feet In My House where she blogs about her beautiful family, love, and the human spirit.  We recently awarded Laura a blog award and I would award it to her again and again if I could.  Laura has four amazing children, one of whom is particularly unique. She has graciously accepted our invitation to contribute to our What (Not) To Say Series, and we're so happy about that.
 
So without further ado, read on and pass it on - everyone needs to see this...

*****

When Heather over at Significantly Simple asked me to do this post - a bit of a What Not To Say to families with unique children - I was more than honored. I know all children and all families are unique, but that's not what I am going to address. You see, I became a mother to a somewhat uniquely unique child what feels like a lifetime of nine months ago. I guess our journey of awareness started a little before that, but my fourth little baby, our precious little Amos Abraham entered this world May 24, 2010. Nine months ago. Amos has Down Syndrome.

I sent a shout out here requesting input from other parents of special kids, and have compiled what I received along with my own experiences thus far. If I had written this six, seven, or eight months ago, I may have said completely different things - but an overarching theme, without meaning any disrespect, was for people to just shut up and love. Don't bombard people with information and how much of a blessing a child with Down Syndrome is going to be in the early painful days. None of us as parents are asking anyone to fix the broken heart we may have felt in the beginning when the diagnosis is scary. Just give me a hug and cry with me. Reassure me that not only is it normal to feel sad, it's a vital part of the process.

Now these nine months later as Amos's mama, I am no longer in that sad stage, but have been astounded by the similarity of questions and comments that come from people who I trust have no malicious intentions in asking. I am going to address them here, as this sort of What Not To Say guide. Keep in mind I do have a sense of humor that can teeter on the edge of sarcasm - but since sarcasm means biting of the flesh, I do not wish to perpetuate pain on another human being who may have asked or thought any of these questions. I hope I don't offend anyone here. That is not my intention. I addressed a few of these in my post entitled spread the love, but here they all are, listed in no particular order. Some of them are simple, and some are mind-boggling. But that's just me.

Here goes:

1) "They can tell he has that this early?"

My desired response:
Are you joking? Did you not take biology in high school? How did I know it was called Trisomy 21 since grade 11? Three copies of the 21st chromosome, the usual one from one parent, and two (one extra!) from one parent - it's not just a developmental measurement that some kids don't measure up to. It's in their DNA. Chosen before conception. Was either the sperm or the egg, baby.

My actual response:
Yes, they can tell. (while sighing on the inside.)

2) "Are you still praying for his healing?"
I don't even have a desired or actual response for this one. I walked away, fighting tears. Ouch. This implies God didn't know what He was doing. This touches on my response to question #1. Down Syndrome is chosen at conception, or before, really. And if you are a follower of Jesus, you know that God is in control and has His hand in everything. This is not a problem that requires healing. I required healing to understand the blessing God had given me in the package that is my Amos, not the other way around. Ouch. That one is a zinger. Don't say it.

3) "How is he doing?"
This question is a lovely question - except for when it is asked with a thinly veiled condescending tone - this comes with a look of sympathy for what they are viewing as his condition ... spoken with some sense of 'awwww, you poor people, with your little one who has *gasp* Down Syndrome ...without actually taking into consideration he's gazing right at you from right here in my arms, or playing right in front of you.

My desired response:
He is perfect. He was released from hospital nearly eight months ago. He is just fine. He is my baby. He is our baby. He is our child. He eats. He sleeps. He cries (but hardly ever). He poops and pees. He smiles and laughs. He plays with his little toys, at his own rate of development. Just like any other baby. He rolls all the way across the floor. He is a delight. He is the easiest baby ever. He is amazingly cute. That's how he's doing. If someone has a baby in the hospital, you'd ask. If someone has had a baby at home for eight months do you still ask? Once they're well and at home, do you keep asking months and months and months later? No. This is not a condition, Amos is not a victim and neither are we. Please don't feel the need to feel sorry for or feel sympathetic towards us. He is our child. Just like your child is your child. That is all.

My actual response:
He's good. He's lovely. I love him.

4) "Do you know how high-functioning he will be? Can the doctors tell you anything?"

My desired response:
Do you know how high-functioning or how intelligent your child will be - standard set of chromosomes or not? Is the doctor (who sees my child a minutely, microscopically small percentage of the time in comparison to me, as his mother) really going to be the one to tell me this, nevermind when the child is yet an infant? How on earth would any parent of any child answer this question? Should I saunter over to your house and ask about your new baby "do you know how smart she will be?" Huh?

My actual response:
No. Not yet. But he's just fine.

5) "You guys aren't going to try to have another baby, are you? Now that you have one that's kind of broken?"

Again - this would have been another walkaway response for me. It was asked of my husband, not me - and when he reported it back to me, I cried. And then I got angry. And then he thought he shouldn't have told me. Our baby is not broken. Don't say this.

Another lovely mama of a baby with designer genes, Kelly (in Idaho), said one of the most hurtful things since the birth of her precious Nora that has been said to her has been, "So, are you guys gonna try again?" ...to have another baby girl, that is. As if they didn't get it right the first time. Crushing.

Amos spent the first four weeks of his life in the Children's Hospital. Those four weeks were the longest four weeks of my life. I felt like ten years passed in those four weeks. On one visit to see Amos, my dear friend accompanied us. In the car, she was regaling us with stories of her sweet and boisterous boys. In the conversation, she inadvertently used the R-word, and immediately caught herself and began apologizing profusely. I distinctly remember not being hurt so much by her use of the word at that time, but by her thought that she needed to apologize to us because we were now the parents of a boy who could be called that word.

I said "Please don't do that. No no no, please don't do that." At that point I was still so new to this club, and had not considered Amos ever being anything remotely close to the R-word. I stated simply, "Please, just don't call any of my children that word."

I feel differently about it now, but my point is that I didn't want to be treated differently because we had this child now. And I didn't want anyone to feel sorry for us. Don't feel sorry for us.

In many ways, I feel simply by being the mama to Amos and loving him so very deeply that I am inherently becoming an expert on how to deal with having a child with Down Syndrome, how to talk and what to say to parents or families of children with Down Syndrome or other conditions (I don't like using words like conditions - but please bear with me) - but please know I would be the first to admit that I am not an expert. I am far from it. I have only been a part of this club for 9 and a bit months. Some parents are veterans in this club, having raised their children with intellectual disabilities to adulthood. (our children are politically correctly referred to as having intellectual disabilities.) I have only been walking this road for nine months now, but when I look at my child, my Amos, I do not see any disability of any type. So I find even the term disabled offensive. Derogatory. Cruel. He is just Amos.

Amos and other children with Down Syndrome may indeed and will probably have lower intellectual capacity than me, or you, or several other people - but honestly? Some days my husband has lower intellectual capacity than I do. And adversely, some days I have lower intellectual capacity than him. Does this mean we, or anyone should be labelled as such? Does this mean we should be stereotyped, put in a box, and be made fun of? Or *gasp* called even more offensive terms? Retard(ed)? Agh, to even type out the R-word pains me to my very core. I admit, now so very shamefully, that I used this word before I was Amos's mama. I am utterly sorrowful to have ever had that word leave my lips. I'd like to use this opportunity to quote from Spread the Word to End the Word "to help eliminate the demeaning use of the R-word - a common taunt used to make fun of others. Often unwittingly, the word is used to denote behavior that is clumsy, hapless, and even hopeless. But whether intentional or not, the word conjures up a painful stereotype of people with intellectual and developmental disabilities. It hurts. Even if you don’t mean it that way." Definitely don't use the R-word.

Something that was pointed out to me for some of us parents, a big struggle when you have a child with intellectual disabilities and are Christian is that people will freely offer these cliché sentiments that, especially in the early days, are NOT helpful. "God is testing you." "God doesn't give you more than you can handle." You know what? Just don't say those things.

My very closest childhood friend had a tender, honest and careful conversation with me after Amos was born that touched me then, and touches me now. She said "I just don't know what to say."

Much like when someone we love dies, or a relationship ends in a painful and messy way, or we are mourning the loss of something significant... people often don't know what to say. Sometimes this is just a cue to say nothing. Be quiet, and just let the person mourn. And let them know you're present with them in that. It's okay to not know what to say, and to be honest about it.

My friend then sought out information to have a better idea of what to say to me - from another family she knew who has a boy with Down Syndrome. That lovely and wise mother told my dear friend, “Just tell her congratulations. Tell her congratulations just like you would if he didn't have Down Syndrome, because she just had a baby." Ah, when you see it laid out for you, you see how simple it is. The syndrome, the disability, the harsh and cruel reality of it all is not what defines us. One characteristic is not what defines anybody.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that the bottom line is love, isn't it? Love. And sometimes just shut up and be quiet. This love doesn't apply only to Down Syndrome, it can apply to any thing or syndrome or disability or condition that may fall outside the realm of expectedness. A person or a baby or a child who looks a little differently? Who acts a little differently? Who walks or talks a little differently? Shut up and love them. Then speak with gentleness, and admit you don't know what to say. That goes a long way.

The interesting fact of it all, however, is that even as Amos's mama, I struggle with what to say to people, too. Amos is little. He was born nine months ago, but was nearly a month early - but his Down Syndrome makes him a little on the small side. And the delayed milestone achievements make him appear to be younger than he is. So when people anywhere - church, the grocery store, the mall, the park - ask “how old is he?” and I have my now well-rehearsed "nine months, but he was born early and had surgery and so is a little wee guy, blah blah blah" - and once in awhile I also say "and he also has Down Syndrome which makes him a little smaller than a typical baby his age".

But honestly? I'm even tired of the look of shock and deer in headlights look people get when they hear that - but I don't say it very often, because I know it isn't what defines him or defines me or defines us. But at the same time I don't want to feel like I'm sweeping it under the carpet (I felt like I did that for a length of time, pretending he was a typical baby in public places, and just relishing when people thought he was so cute and so lovely and they didn't know his diagnosis). Sigh. But then they were and are days when I see Down Syndrome in his face that made me so very, very sad in the beginning - and now makes me love him even more, and makes me love other people even more, because it is not a bad thing.

When I see other people with Down Syndrome now, too - oh goodness, I just want to scoop them up and squeeze them and tell them how proud I am of them - I think because they remind me so much of Amos. I haven't done it yet - but you know? Once I feel a little braver? Watch me, baby. I'm gonna be a-scoopin'! And in the meantime? It's significantly simple: shut up and love, baby.

Love big. Love all. That's all.

*****

If you know someone - anyone who could benefit from reading this post, share it with them.  It's valuable to know what to say and what not to say (or when to say it!), so please pass this on to someone it could help.

Read Part 1: Pregnancy & Family Types

What (Not) To Say Series, Part 1: Pregnancy & Family Types

We asked for your input and you provided very valuable insight. We received quite a number of responses -it isn't possible to address all of them, but we will be addressing 3 main topics, all revolving around family.

What (not) to say to others in regards to:

• Pregnancy, childbirth, and family planning
• Families with unique children
• Adoption

We do believe, for the very most part, that people have good intentions when they speak to us about family. Though spoken without malice, words have the power to inflict a powerful range of emotions, so it's best to either curb your tongue, not say anything at all, or be confident in that what you say will make the other feel good.






"Before the tongue can speak, it must have lost the power to wound."
~Peace Pilgrim~
All families have a beginning. For some, the beginning is the most difficult part; and devastatingly so when it's also the end. For many women, becoming pregnant is very, very difficult, and at times it may not happen at all.

Infertility is an extra-ordinarily difficult road for so many women - and likely someone you know. What makes it even more difficult is the response from others who simply don't understand what it is like to not be able to conceive a child, not carry a child to term, and finally to not hold your child in your arms. The woman who desires to, but cannot bear children knows better than anyone else what it feels like. Something she does not need to hear is, 'tsk, tsk that's too bad - I guess you could always adopt'. She may still be grieving for the pregnancy she assumed (and dreamed) would happen. She may want to pursue other medical options. She may not be ready to consider adoption. And she most certainly does not want to be pitied.

Photo Credit
Women who are able to conceive but suffer miscarriages experience an enormous range of emotions. Some shout their news from the rooftops and others celebrate in private. But none of them are ready for the sour taste of losing their baby. Miscarriage is an event that is grieved and it can happen at any time during pregnancy . A woman grieves not only her unborn child, but the future she imagined with her child. There are 2 things you should never, every say to someone who has lost a child to miscarriage. The first is "it's for the best - surely there was something wrong with the baby". When a woman is newly pregnant, she is positive that her child is absolutely perfect, and to tell her anything contrary, especially at this sensitive time, is insensitive. The second thing you should never say is "thank goodness it happened now and not later". There is no 'ideal' time to lose a baby - it happened, and it's a loss - both physically and emotionally. Please do not minimize the grief that she is entitled to.

Photo Credit
Families come in all sorts of sizes, and shapes. Some families have single children, some have many children, ome have mixed race children, some have twins and triplets, and some have kids that are all the same gender. None of this is rocket science! We had a lot of input on this topic - and we came out with very clear warnings about what not to say:

• When you see a family with many kids, don't assume they are uneducated and uninformed. Please do not make a crass statement about 'too many kids!'.  Large families are often a well thought our process and dedicated parents are fantastic at raising their kids.
• When you encounter a mom with twins or triplets, please don't ever ask if the woman took fertility drugs - it's simply no one's business.  And something I learned from the mom of triplets in my son's class:  treat each of the children as individuals - they are not a 'group of one'.
• When you see a family of all boys, don't ask them if they are going to try for a girl and then be surprised if they say no.  Same goes for all-daughter families.
• When you see a mixed race family it is not safe to assume the kids are adopted; nor is it safe to assume that the kids are biological.  Confused?  The fact is, it doesn't matter - they are someone's children and someone is their parent.  Either don't ask, or simply tell them they have a beautiful family.

Again, I understand we are well-intentioned, if not a little curious, about other families at times.  If there is a point to your asking about a certain situation, then get to the point quickly so the other knows why you're asking - chances are, they will be happy to discuss it with you, if it's relevant.

We have some fabulous guest bloggers coming up to discuss adoption (particularly international adoption) and families with a unique child or children, so stay tuned for their articles!

If you have something you'd like to add to this post, please comment here or drop us a line on our facebook page. :)

Read Part 2: Families with Unique Children

My Journey to Midwifery (includes birth stories, links, book recomendations and more!)...

Photo Courtesy of Chelsea Stirlen

I'll forewarn you that this is a wonderfully long and informative post (if I do say so myself!). Women's rights, especially those surrounding modern day maternity care and labour and delivery practices are a huge passion of mine. Over the years I have collected many, many incredibly eye opening links and wonderful book titles that shed much more information on well woman care, maternity and birth than one will ever find in the realm of mainstream media. I've saved them all knowing that one day I'll be able to share them in hopes that they will help other women the way they helped me. ♥

I spent the first 30 years of my life trying to figure out what I wanted to be when I grow up. I knew first and foremost it would be a profession where I could help people, it was always going to be about helping people and most likely something involving children. For the longest time I truly thought medicine was my calling since it combined my interest in science (namely anatomy, physiology, and biology) with the desire to help and heal. The desire to give back somehow and to truly make a difference in someones life was really what it was and still is, all about for me. It wasn't until the last few years that I started feeling the pull of being a midwife and now I can't imagine being anything else. For me it is just one of those things that calls out to me and gets into every fiber of my being. For my spirit and soul, it feels right to follow that. It's almost as if all points leading up to this realization happened for this reason alone, that they were meant to be...

Now in the midst of my crazy, chaotic life, I admittedly have put my midwifery plans on the back burner for the time being. With three kids aged 3, 6 and 8 and a husband who works really weird hours sometimes, right now the 24/7 schedule of a midwife wouldn't work for my family. So I've simply put the dream off until my kids are old enough to be on their own for a bit if I am at a birth and their dad is working.

If you had told me 10-15 years ago that I would want to be a midwife, I would have rolled my eyes at you. Back then in those days I was pre-med. I wanted to be a doctor (a pediatrician to be exact) and I thought mainstream western medicine was the be all, end all and anyone who wanted otherwise was just plain weird and well, stupid. You know, the ones who sleep with their babies, breast feed well into toddler hood and beyond, the hippie freaks that don't vaccinate and have home births? ;o)

As far as I was concerned back then, why would anyone NOT trust modern day western medicine? To not give birth in a hospital, especially *GASP* on purpose, was completely mind blowing to me at the time and as far as I was concerned, completely irresponsible.

Fast forward a few years to my first birth in 2002. Ahh how times changed for me. One day I will share my full birth story on here, but for now I just don't want to go there, that is how unbelievably traumatic it was for me. Birth rape is a perfect way to describe it. Completely powerless and treated as a vessel instead of a human being. I just about died giving birth to Maria, in a hospital, and that near to death experience was NOT because my body failed me. It is because the hospital failed me. The nurses failed me. The doctor on call who laughed at my birth plan, failed me.

My first birth, the birth that I had been dreaming of my whole entire life, was truly one of the most horrifying and disempowering experiences I have ever had. It threw me into a pit of severe post partum depression and in hindsight I was handed on a nice sterile stainless steel platter, a serving of post traumatic stress disorder as well. If I tried to talk to anyone about it, I was generally tsk tsk'd because I was "fine" and I had a healthy baby and I needed to just move on. And of course, omigosh, I was sooooooooooo 'lucky' I was in the hospital so that I didn't die. No one seemed to get it, that I just about died because I was in the hospital and the ridiculous amount of interventions that cascaded down around me as soon as I stepped through the doors. I narrowly avoided a c-section and really, I'm not sure how I did that all things considered.

What happened to me, (and that was just the cliff notes version) was a common theme with other mothers I talked to. I honestly at the time believed that, that is just how birth is. Which is sad, because I was so unbelievably wrong. It makes me wonder, how many other women are out there feeling, or felt at one point, the same way I did?

Fast forward 18 months to the labour and delivery of Matthew in 2004. I laboured at home for as long as possible because, well, I was freakin' terrified of going to the hospital too early. You can't blame me really can you? I wanted to have some semblance of control, some power over my body and my birth and how this show was going to go. Maria's labour was over 32 hours. With Matthew it was less than 6 at the most. 5 hours and 45 minutes of that was at home where I had the control, power and most importantly, feeling of security from Chad and my ('surrogate') Mum (aka one of closest friends my mom's age who took me under her wing after my own mother died in 2001 ♥). I did not have any fear with Matty's labour and delivery, other than he might be born in the truck during rush hour. We made it to the hospital and 15 minutes after we parked downstairs, he was here! The nurse, this time was truly wonderful even though she kept telling me to stop pushing and to wait until my doctor got there. So you know what? I stopped pushing.

And then something magical and amazing happened...

My body took over and pushed him out all on it's own. No pitocin, no epidural. Nothing. When I stopped pushing, when I was mentally trying to wait for the doctor (still trying to be a good girl I guess and do as I am told *sigh*), my body did it. Did what it was made to do. My body wasn't a failure after all.

Now, there is this wonderful oxytocin induced high after childbirth. I had a spark of it with Maria, although that could have also been relief. But with Matty, I was riding this amazing birth high. His entrance into this world was amazing, simple, fast, intense and so empowering. What a change to not be totally drugged up at the time of delivery - to be able to actually revel in the moment, to laugh and cry and be totally and completely joyous, to be in the moment fully and completely.

Now, before you start emailing me and commenting, feeling the need to explain and justify your own birth (which, don't ever feel you need to justify your birth btw), wait a second and hear me out. I know there are just as many amazing and wonderful OB's and family doctors that catch babies and deliver phenomenal care when it comes to pregnancy and birth. But I also know there are a lot who are in the profession for all the wrong reasons. And yes, c-sections are necessary and yes, I completely agree we are lucky we have that option when a birth falls into that 5-10%. There are times when a c-section or induction for a true medical reason is the only option for a healthy mom and healthy baby and I will say it again and agree that we are lucky to have those options. But a 40% or higher rate for c-sections and 80% and up for induction or augmented labour is not normal.

We live in a culture of fear when it comes to birth. Who can blame us when every time you turn on the TV any birth that is shown is awful, micromanaged in the worst ways possible, and made to look completely life threatening almost all of the freakin' time. You can only imagine how much I will scream at the TV and throw the remote if I stumble across a Baby Story and any other ridiculous show like it. But you know what? Drama sells. Like this wonderfully written article from The Stir at Cafemom.com states:

"After all, what fun would it be to show a woman who is just rocking back and forth with her husband, then pops out a baby with no complications, no screaming, no dramatics or problems to solve? Unfortunately, because they do aim for ratings, they leave most women with an unrealistic and downright damaging view of birth."

That is so true!

But, you know what? I'll let you in on a secret, birth isn't scary, isn't always painful, intense yes, but not always agonizingly painful and it doesn't need to be feared. I'll let you in on another secret, giving birth is not an emergent medical condition, 90-95% of the time. Matthew's birth taught me that and Noah's birth, which was unassisted and at home, sealed the deal.

It was Noah's birth that made me realize, that is what I want to do. I want to give women the experience I had with Matthew and Noah. I want to give women back their power when it comes to their bodies and during one of the most profound and powerful times of their life. I want to do everything I can to make sure that not one single woman has to feel the way I did during and after Maria's birth.

I am incredibly pro choice and while I don't agree with medically unnecessary elective c-sections or inductions, if that is what YOU want and you are aware of the risks, benefits and everything in between, and you are the one that is making this decision without coercion, then good for you. And I honestly mean that. :o)

Now, y'all know me, I can take any post and turn it into a Friday Find as well! :D

So you ask, what I have I found this week that led me on this "I want to be a midwife, hear me ROAAAAAR" type rant?

The Business of Being Born.




Yes, yes, I know this movie has been out for a few years already.  I never got around to watching it because well, it wasn't readily available in my area for awhile and I had already read so much about literally, the business and history behind obstetrical care and midwifery (as you will see in my links and resources below that I so gleefully get to share with you! :Þ), that it was never a priority on my what to watch list. Then we got Netflix and what do ya know?! There is The Business of Being Born and I watched it while laid up on the couch Wednesday nursing a stomach flu or migraine, not sure which, but that doesn't matter.

The Business of Being Born is a movie that every.single.woman needs to watch, no matter what your views on birth are. If you are done having children then watch it for your daughters, sisters and girlfriends. As far as I am concerned, it is right up there with knowing how to add, subtract, multiply, divide, write a cheque, get a job, yadda yadda yadda. It is a movie that is a must see, for the simple fact that it is informative in the most important way possible to women. No matter what your plans are for birth, you need to be informed and you need to look past your doctor and the hospital and also find your own information. I am NOT saying ignore your doctor or midwife, not at all, I am saying search outside the box, ask questions, lots of them, listen to your intuition always, and know that many times, there is a monetary reason your birth will be 'managed' the way it will and not because it is in your best interests, in fact your best interests are quite often towards the end of the list.

Have I ever mentioned that I am a wee bit of a research junkie? I've been waiting for years to share my list of pregnancy and birth resources that I have stashed on my hard drive! :D I so wish I had read more, and been so much more informed for my first birth.

First off links and websites!

The Dangers of Cytotec (a common medication used to induce labour, even though the FDA forbids it in this off label use, because well, it has this itty bitty problem of causing uterine rupture and death. If you choose to be induced, don't sign up for this drug.)

The Truth About Pitocin

"Pit" [as in pitocin] to Distress: Your Ticket to an "Emergency" C-Section?
(This article explains the not so rare phenomenon when Dr's purposefully order high amounts of pitocin on an unsuspecting mother in order to produce massive contractions that distress the baby in order to tell the mom that an "emergency c-section" is needed. Then voila, the doctor doesn't have to hang around all day waiting for that pesky mother to deliver her baby! The "emergency" c-section wouldn't be needed if they didn't crank up the pitocin. See what I'm saying?)

Everything You Need To Know About Epidurals

(Again, yes I am pro homebirth for me, but this isn't about me, it's about you. :D I'm not saying don't get induced, don't have an epidural, I'm saying, be informed and have the birth you want. Knowledge is power.)

Defending Ourselves Against Defensive Medicine by Jill Arnold at the Unnecesarean.com

World Health Organization's Summary of Research on Place of Birth

Dangers of Hospital Birth

'Normal' Medical Management of Hospital Birth

Physiological Management of Home Birth

Homebirth: What are the Issues?

Drugs in Labor: What Effects Do They Have 20 Years Hence?

What is a Doula and Why are they so Important?

Homebirth is as Safe as Hospital Birth for Low Risk Mothers - British Medical Journal

Ina May Gaskin - The Mother of all Modern Midwives (fantastic evidence based information, resources and links can be found here)



Now, if the links aren't enough for you, here are some excellent books to check out from the library or support us through our Amazon affiliate links if you like. Whatever works for you, works for us! The library would save the most trees and be the most ecofriendly way to go of course. :D

Immaculate Deception: A new look at women and childbirth in America, by Suzanne Arms
(Note from me: This book is a must read for any woman, I think I read it in an entire day, I could not put it down. It gives an excellent historical view of midwives and how they were banished from well woman care and labour and delivery, oh and just a hint, it was not because they weren't good at their job, in fact it was quite the opposite.  All those horror stories on how women used to die in childbirth left right and center, read this to find out why, again it isn't because of midwives...It's a hard to find book, but most well stocked libraries will have it.)
 
Immaculate Deception 2: Myth, Magic and Birth, by Suzanne Arms

Unassisted Childbirth, by Laura Kaplan Shanley

Ina May's Guide to Childbirth, by Ina May Gaskin

Birth Matters, by Ina May Gaskin

Spiritual Midwifery, by Ina May Gaskin

The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth, by Henci Goer

Painless Childbirth: An Empowering Journey Through Pregnancy and Childbirth, Giuditta Tornetta

Birthing from Within: An Extra-Ordinary Guide to Childbirth Preparation, by Pam England

Pushed: The Painful Truth About Childbirth and Modern Maternity Care, by Jennifer Block

Mothering Magazine's Having a Baby, Naturally: The Mothering Magazine Guide to Pregnancy and Childbirth, by Peggy O'Mara

Obstetric Myths Versus Research Realities: A Guide to the Medical Literature, by Henci Goer

The VBAC Companion: The Expectant Mother's Guide to Vaginal Birth After Cesarean, by Diana Korte

A Good Birth, A Safe Birth : Choosing and Having the Childbirth Experience You Want, Third Revised Edition, by Diana Korte

Your Best Birth: Know All Your Options, Discover the Natural Choices, and Take Back the Birth Experience, by Ricki Lake, Abby Epstein and Jacques Moritz


My last few links (I promise!!) are some excellent online forums from Mothering.com where you can ask questions, get answers and find support if you need it on homebirth, VBAC, unassisted childbirth, and healing birth trauma. You'll also find on Mothering (also known as MDC) entire forums dedicated to birth stories, due date clubs, and breastfeeding, in addition to a wonderfully supportive forum for those battling post partum depression. And for what it is worth, it isn't just homebirthing, hippie mama's on there. There are just as many women on the forums planning hospital births as well. Everyone is welcome. :o)

(I know there are a lot of parenting message boards out there and I am not at all discounting them in the least. Mothering.com is just the forum where I found my healing place and I've found it to be the most educative and helpful location on the 'net for those looking for information and support that isn't always found on more mainstream message boards.)

Whew! I think that was my longest post ever, don't you? If you have any other resources that you want to share that you found helpful no matter what type of birth it is related to, please help other women out and share either on here through the comments or on our Facebook Page.

Women need to take back the power to their own bodies and stop being told how to birth by a profession that is often more influenced by insurance companies, hospital policy and profits than what is actually in the best interest of a labouring mother. Women deserve to have ALL the facts so they then have the freedom to labour and give birth on their terms and no one else's.

Have a wonderful weekend everyone.

With love and light ♥,