A 7 Day Blitz for Kirill

We would like to share this post and hope you do the same.  A little boy, Kirill, is in Russia waiting for his family to pick him up.  The courts have denied his family their son simply because he has Down Syndrome.    Let's continue to support adoptive families.  Let's work together so this little boy can go home with his family.
*****
 (note:  this post has been copied from other bloggers who are showing support for the little boy and his family)

On March 17, 2011, the Davis family sat in a Russian courtroom and listened as the judge rejected their plea to adopt Kirill, an orphan with Down syndrome. "The judge said, “Your application to adopt is rejected.” The basis given was that Kirill was “not socially adaptable” due to his “medical condition” and he was better off in an institution than in a home with a family. As the judge read her ruling, she stated several times that we were a good family, that we met all the criteria to adopt a child, but that she would not approve our adoption because Kirill has Down syndrome. She told us that we could adopt another child, because legally our application had no problems according to Russian adoption law. She said she would approve our adoption for a “typical” child, but not this child. Why? The only reason? Because he has Down syndrome."

Being an adoptive mother to a Russian orphan with Down syndrome, I could expand on the million-and-one reasons Tesney and Greg's rejected application to adopt has deeply affected me. But that is not what is important.

What is important is that they are appealing the judge's ruling to the Supreme Court of Moscow and they need our help.

The Davis family has been through so much already... and now they have been slammed with astronomical unforeseen financial hurdles in bringing Kirill home. In order to just begin the process of filing their appeal, they had to pay $2,500. They have been told that they should plan to attend the Supreme Court hearing, which is a trip to Russia they never planned to have to make... add $3,000 - $4,000. If the Supreme Court overturns the ruling, they will have to return home and wait for a date to travel to Kirill's region to reappear before the original judge in their case... add $4,000 - $5,000. Assuming everything goes as planned, they will remain in country for the 10 day waiting period and finalization of their adoption... add $3,000 - $3,500.

So how can you help? A few of us adoptive mommy bloggers have put our heads together to create a 7 day blitz for Kirill.

::

Canon EOS Rebel XS Digital SLR camera

donated by Lisa, Charissa, McKenna, Renee and yours truly

or

$500 gift certificate to B & H Photo

Read all about the camera here.

And... a lifetime membership to ClickinMoms. An online haven of all things photography... tips and tutorials on everything from how to use your camera to editing your images to starting a photography business.



:::

Our second prize...

Cirque

by Lisa Tarkett Reed

•  recently juried into the FMH Crestwood Gallery for the Celebration exhibition
• completed in 2010
• oil on canvas
• measures 3 feet by 4 feet

Oil paintings by regional artist, Lisa Tarkett Reed, celebrate and explore the relationships and patterns in nature. Reed’s paintings are inspired by her growing collection of natural objects. Flowers, crystals, rocks, leaves, shells and bones, collected by Reed over decades, provide points of departure in her work. As Reed layers line, shape and color, she discovers and plays with the geometry, relationships, and patterns inherent in organic forms.

In October 2011, Reed will have a solo exhibition at The Artists’ Gallery in Frederick, MD. Currently, Reed has a solo exhibition at Les Idees Gallery, Duquesne University, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania. Reed has had solo exhibitions at the Sweetwater Center for the Arts, Gallery Lascaux, Gallery 937 and View from Zenith Gallery, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania as well as at Shenandoah University, Leesburg, Virginia, Figure Five Gallery, San Francisco, California and the Walker Fine Arts Center Gallery at Patrick Henry Community College, Roanoke, Virginia. Reed has shown her work in group exhibitions at the Cheltenham Center for the Arts, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, Mary Condon Hodgson Gallery at Frederick Community College, Frederick, Maryland, The Delaplaine Visual Arts Education Center, Frederick, Maryland, Kentler International Drawing Space, Brooklyn, New York, the Carnegie Museum of Art and the Pittsburgh Center for the Arts, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, the State Museum of Pennsylvania, Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, and the Hoyt Institute of Fine Arts, New Castle, Pennsylvania.

  

Reed has taught drawing and painting for over fifteen years in regional art centers in Maryland, Pittsburgh and Virginia and at private schools in Brooklyn and Virginia.

Reed earned a BFA in painting from Tyler School of Art, Temple University, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and studied painting in Rome, Italy as part of the Temple University Abroad Program. Reed earned an MFA from the San Francisco Art Institute, San Francisco, California.

  

In 2009, Reed founded Sister MamaCita, a Mothers’ Cooperative in the Arts and sister group to the Philadelphia based MamaCita, a Mothers’ Cooperative in the Arts founded by Melissa Tevere in 2005.

::

 Our third prize...

  

Custom blog makeover (by yours truly).

You will get...

• custom header
•  custom background
•  custom signature and sidebar headers
•  installation of pages
•  installation of facebook/twitter/rss feed widgets
•  and more!  

::

Our fourth prize...

UltraHD Flip video camera.

donated by Joanne Charland, momma to Vinnie (a T21 friend)

Read all about the video camera here.

  

 Rules...

1) Every $10 donation using the ChipIn to Kirill will earn you an entry into the drawing for one of the prizes.

2) Prizes cannot be shipped overseas. Sorry.

3) Donations will be accepted through Monday, April 11th.

4) Winners will be announced Tuesday, April 12th.

  

Please blog it. Please facebook it. Please tweet it. Please share.

We have a lot of love to give and $15,000 is nothing when compared to the army standing behind the Davis family.

*If things do not go as planned for the Davis family, any leftover funds will be properly allocated in support of international adoption of children with Down syndrome.







Visit the Davis Family Site.


Your simple actions can have an incrediby significant impact for Kirill and his family.

What (Not) To Say Series, Part 3: Adoptive Families

This is our third and final post in our What (Not) To Say Series.  It is written by a guest contributor, "Nicky", who writes about her family at  Rowan Family Tree.  She and her husband created their family through international adoption and we are so glad that she has come on board for the final chapter in this series.

Photo Credit:  "Nicky" of Rowan Family Tree

Life is always exciting when you have two girls, two dogs, two cats and a dozen fish! Rowan Family Tree is a popular Ethiopian Canadian adoption blog chronicling the adventures of the Rowan family: mama “Nicky”, ababa “Jrock”, and twin daughters “Sugar and Spice”. Follow the love and the laughs at Rowan Family Tree.

The Mall Obstacle Course: What To Say to an Adoptive Family

The girls were getting cranky. I had been hauling them around the mall for an hour, picking up specialty shampoos for their tight dark curls and scouring sale bins for the size four clothes they would wear next season. My daughters, almost 4 year old twins, had reached their limit and were starting to drag their feet. So I sighed, bought them a cinnamon bun and sat down with them in the middle of the mall for a sanity break.

Next to us, there was a young couple in their twenties. They saw us and grinned. I passed a weary smile back at them. They started to whisper to each other in those loud secretive undertone that people do in public places where they think they can’t be heard. I knew what was coming: we had already been asked by at least 15 batches of strangers through the mall “are they twins?” At least 10 of them followed up with “They are so beautiful!” My Ethiopian-born daughters are lovely, and as a trans-racial family we constantly attract people’s curiosity. You can imagine how it slows a family with young children down, though, being forced to interact with strangers literally every three minutes. The kids get very tired of the attention too.

“Are they adopted?” a lady suddenly yelled across the 4 feet of space separating us.

My feeler went up, and I dryly stated back, “hello.”

She ignored the overt politeness correction.

“Uh... are they adopted?”

Now just imagine what it’s like to be in my daughter’s shoes here. Being looked up and down and being talked about as if they aren’t there.

“These are my daughters. My husband and I adopted them,” I commented, trying to look proud and not irritated.

More whispering. Then suddenly, “are their parents dead?”

Again, put yourself into my children’s shoes. Can you imagine complete strangers prying into your personal life in the food court, and prodding at your life’s biggest losses? I knew these folks had no social skills whatsoever, so I tried damage control, meanwhile willing the girls to chew their cinnamon buns more quickly.

“We don’t share our family’s personal history with strangers, I’m sorry.” I stated firmly.

“Oh.” The lady looked crestfallen. “We were just thinking of adopting and I’m interested.” Oh – I thought to myself. Maybe I had underestimated her intentions and she just had a deplorable sense of conversational appropriateness. But then she said “well, I mean, we haven’t started to try to have kids yet, but if we couldn’t have kids of our own, then maybe I’d think about it.”

Ok. That was it. I told the girls they could finish their cinnamon buns in the car, bundled them up, and struck out for freedom. We were only a few feet away from the food court when my daughter said to me in hushed tone, “Mommy, I don’t like people ask me many questions. Makes me sad.”

I tamped down my own heartbreak and knelt down in front of her. “Sweetheart, people are interested because you are twins. Twins are very special. They are also interested because you are very beautiful and I am very beautiful too.” She giggled. “We don’t have to answer all their questions, though. This is our privacy. Just like bodies. We don’t have to share our stories with everyone. We need to be polite, but we don’t need to answer their questions, do you understand?” she nodded, and we continued out the doors.

After that encounter, I shook my head to myself. I should have know better than to linger in the mall, where we run into stranger after stranger. In our own neighbourhood, we are relatively free to go about our business. The clerks in the pharmacy and the baristas in the coffee shop know us as a family and have long passed the point of asking questions. We’re simply seen as a part of the neighbourhood fabric.

But an adoptive family can’t hide out. In fact, what kind of message does it send to our children if we aren’t proud and confident in our family’s existence? So we try to answer all the questions with grace, answering for our children’s ears. And define boundaries when others step way beyond the bounds of privacy and politeness.

If you aren’t an adoptive parent, you probably are a little surprised by the scrutiny and challenges we face. Here are some ideas about ways to interact with adoptive families you meet at your mall (or other places, like the parking lot at elementary school.)

Great things to do:

• Smile. Show that you think the kids are cute or you appreciate our family by smiling. This also allows us to get on with our shopping without having to interact with people every three seconds, and we still get your message.

• Say nice things that affirm our relationship, like “your children are so beautiful.” Who objects to that? Just please don’t expect us to carry on a prolonged conversation when our toddler is tugging at our leg and we need to get on our way. Just keeping it at the one sentence is great.

• If you are interested in adoption as an option for building your family, say so. Right off the bat. Right after hi. Then we will know where you are coming from. An adoptive family is not by default a social service, so don’t expect us to answer your questions. But most parents I know are happy to point you to an agency or an adoptive families group for more information.

• Don’t take it personally if we don’t want to have a prolonged chat. The shear volume of inquiries means that we don’t necessarily want to talk about your sister’s friend’s uncle who adopted a kid from “I can’t remember where.” We are the parents of young children... we have no time.

Horrible things - do not do these:

• Use language that undermines our child’s position in our family. Many adoptive children go through phases of wondering how they fit in or if they belong. They don’t need to hear this from strangers too! Avoid language that questions our relationships, like asking if they are our own children or if we are their real parents. Of course we are real and they are our own. That’s why they are screaming “Daddy! I want a candy!!!” at the top of their lungs.

• Ask how much our children cost. Let me tell you why this is so offensive. Child-trafficking is the opposite of adoption – children are bought and sold as commodities. It’s reprehensible. Adoptive parents usually have to scrimp and save to pay for the travel to pick up their children and to pay for lawyers. But they in no way paid for the kids. To assume that, is aligning parents with an illegal and abhorrent practice. Pretty offensive. Plus think of the poisonous thoughts that plant in listening children’s heads.

• Prod into our children’s personal history: can you imagine a stranger asking you about your most traumatic times while in the grocery store line? Don’t ask about their previous life traumas, such as biological family, if they were abused or starved, or if they suffer FASD or AIDS or some other disease. Uncool. Rude. Across the line.

• Make assumptions about our children, their past or their abilities based on their colour or background. Even positive assumptions can be hurtful, such as assuming that an Asian child is supposed to be good at math. This is also known as racism.

The cinnamon incident actually happened close to a year ago. Now that the girls are older and have seemingly lost that puppy pheromone that attracts little old ladies and grandpa-types, the mall-stopping ratio has fallen to about five stops in an hour. Shopping is much easier.

*****

"Nicky" is a proud supporter of Vulnerable Children Society.  This fantastic Canadian non-profit takes care of impoverished children in Ethiopia, whose lives have been affected by HIV/AIDS.  To sponsor a child or learn more, please visit http://vulnerablechildren.ca/.

Thank you, Nicky, for sharing such valuable information about addressing adoptive families!

*****

Photo Credit:  Robyn of Dim Sum and Doughnuts

You should also check out another adoption blog. Robyn over at Dim Sum and Doughnuts wrote a very funny piece, based on a collaborative effort of other adoptive parents, about what not to say to adoptive families.  Her post, We Don't Care If You Stare, can be found here.  Read it.  It's good.  :)

Read Part 1: Pregnancy & Family Types
Read Part 2:  Families with Unique Children

And that ends our What (Not) To Say Series.  If there is a topic that you would like to see addressed, please leave a comment or email us.

Now go forth and be confident in speaking positively with families who appear different than your own.

What (Not) To Say Series, Part 1: Pregnancy & Family Types

We asked for your input and you provided very valuable insight. We received quite a number of responses -it isn't possible to address all of them, but we will be addressing 3 main topics, all revolving around family.

What (not) to say to others in regards to:

• Pregnancy, childbirth, and family planning
• Families with unique children
• Adoption

We do believe, for the very most part, that people have good intentions when they speak to us about family. Though spoken without malice, words have the power to inflict a powerful range of emotions, so it's best to either curb your tongue, not say anything at all, or be confident in that what you say will make the other feel good.






"Before the tongue can speak, it must have lost the power to wound."
~Peace Pilgrim~
All families have a beginning. For some, the beginning is the most difficult part; and devastatingly so when it's also the end. For many women, becoming pregnant is very, very difficult, and at times it may not happen at all.

Infertility is an extra-ordinarily difficult road for so many women - and likely someone you know. What makes it even more difficult is the response from others who simply don't understand what it is like to not be able to conceive a child, not carry a child to term, and finally to not hold your child in your arms. The woman who desires to, but cannot bear children knows better than anyone else what it feels like. Something she does not need to hear is, 'tsk, tsk that's too bad - I guess you could always adopt'. She may still be grieving for the pregnancy she assumed (and dreamed) would happen. She may want to pursue other medical options. She may not be ready to consider adoption. And she most certainly does not want to be pitied.

Photo Credit
Women who are able to conceive but suffer miscarriages experience an enormous range of emotions. Some shout their news from the rooftops and others celebrate in private. But none of them are ready for the sour taste of losing their baby. Miscarriage is an event that is grieved and it can happen at any time during pregnancy . A woman grieves not only her unborn child, but the future she imagined with her child. There are 2 things you should never, every say to someone who has lost a child to miscarriage. The first is "it's for the best - surely there was something wrong with the baby". When a woman is newly pregnant, she is positive that her child is absolutely perfect, and to tell her anything contrary, especially at this sensitive time, is insensitive. The second thing you should never say is "thank goodness it happened now and not later". There is no 'ideal' time to lose a baby - it happened, and it's a loss - both physically and emotionally. Please do not minimize the grief that she is entitled to.

Photo Credit
Families come in all sorts of sizes, and shapes. Some families have single children, some have many children, ome have mixed race children, some have twins and triplets, and some have kids that are all the same gender. None of this is rocket science! We had a lot of input on this topic - and we came out with very clear warnings about what not to say:

• When you see a family with many kids, don't assume they are uneducated and uninformed. Please do not make a crass statement about 'too many kids!'.  Large families are often a well thought our process and dedicated parents are fantastic at raising their kids.
• When you encounter a mom with twins or triplets, please don't ever ask if the woman took fertility drugs - it's simply no one's business.  And something I learned from the mom of triplets in my son's class:  treat each of the children as individuals - they are not a 'group of one'.
• When you see a family of all boys, don't ask them if they are going to try for a girl and then be surprised if they say no.  Same goes for all-daughter families.
• When you see a mixed race family it is not safe to assume the kids are adopted; nor is it safe to assume that the kids are biological.  Confused?  The fact is, it doesn't matter - they are someone's children and someone is their parent.  Either don't ask, or simply tell them they have a beautiful family.

Again, I understand we are well-intentioned, if not a little curious, about other families at times.  If there is a point to your asking about a certain situation, then get to the point quickly so the other knows why you're asking - chances are, they will be happy to discuss it with you, if it's relevant.

We have some fabulous guest bloggers coming up to discuss adoption (particularly international adoption) and families with a unique child or children, so stay tuned for their articles!

If you have something you'd like to add to this post, please comment here or drop us a line on our facebook page. :)

Read Part 2: Families with Unique Children

We Need Your Input - What Not To Say

We are working on a special series of posts, and we need your input.

The series is somewhat of a sensitive matter that we really believe needs to be addressed. We will be writing about what NOT to say to those in situations different than your own.

This idea was spurred on by the overwhelmingly positive reponse to Laila's What Not To Say To Those Who are Greiving post. It piqued our curiosity to see what else we shouldn't say, though we may be well intentioned. We'd like your input.

Please share with us what people say to you or ask about your family that you find inappropriate or offensive. Topics may include a special need, adoption, death, pregnancy, or anything else that troubles you.

This series will be written with the utmost respect to our contributors and you can trust that we respect your privacy. We are asking that you email your story to us at significantlysimple(at)gmail(dot)com.

Thank you for helping us to strengthen the trust families have in their communities.