Finding Gratitude in the Face of Adversity...

 

I have a word I have been holding near and dear to my heart this week. Actually I have a few, but the biggest one right now is GRATITUDE.

There is something about what happened in Japan and what continues to happen in the Middle East, that has made me grateful. 

Yes, you read that right. Grateful.

Let me explain...

Am I grateful that the Japanese are going through and facing some of the most unbelievable challenges since World War 2 or that some countries in the Middle East are on the brink of war? Of course not. OMG not at all. Watching those images and the catastrophic pain they are coping with, some on every level a human could experience, was sending me into a fast depression to be honest. My heart was breaking for them and what they are going through and I realized I needed to do what I could to help from my little corner of the world and then stop checking the news 15 times a day. Reading the news continually was not going to help anyone, let alone me.

It's been a really long and sad 4 months for our family. As some of our readers know, my brother took his own life in November and even in hindsight, there were NO signs it was coming. The biggest hint I had was my own intuition, which I ignored because there were no outward rational hints he was showing that indicated he was feeling anything but good. Nothing for me to sit down with him, put on my "woo woo" hat and say "Hey, your life is going great and you seem totally happy but psychically I am thinking you are feeling suicidal?"

Really, who says that? Especially to someone who outwardly seems 100% fine, happy and enjoying life?

Do I regret not talking to him? Of course. Do I think it would have stopped him if I had said that? I have no idea. And that has torn me up to bits since the day he died. When someone you love dies you always go back over their last days, weeks what have you and think, hmmm "What if...? Why didn't I...?" If it is a suicide, of course inevitably you think and ask "Could I have stopped him...?" or the even harder more egotistical questions of "Why weren't we enough for him to want to live?"

These are the things that I have been spinning around in my head since November 14th.

And then the earthquake in Japan hit, which for me, confounded the memories of my brother. Lars lived in Japan for 4 years and came back talking about survivalism and why it is so important. We all nodded, smiled, listened politely and often rolled our eyes at him as he purchased a few bottles of potassium iodide just in case of a nuclear fallout (That really made us go WTF dude? Seriously? And now we can see why) and stored a ridiculous amount of food in the basement. Then on March 11th we "got it". After living in Japan, a country that is largely run on nuclear power and where a natural disaster can hit at any given moment, he learned you need to be prepared for the worst. I wish he was alive to see how much he taught us regarding emergency planning and survival. I realized watching the coverage of the crisis in Japan, that my brother wasn't going crazy storing half of Costco in our basement just for himself. We've realized it was enough for him, my dad, me, Chad and the kids and other people close to him that he cared about, because that is the amazing and loving person he was...

What I was trying to say before I got distracted thinking and remembering my brother (thank you for patiently listening to me btw when I go off on one of those tangents ♥) is that watching the news and thinking about my brother was making me feel so helpless...and sad....and reminded that really, when a crisis is going to happen, it is going to happen and 9 times out of 10 there isn't anything you can do to stop it.

Those realizations sent me into a tail spin. Admitting that you don't have a lot of control in what goes on around you and taking the cap of temporary ignorance off , is scary. Especially if you are a mother.

I did not have control over my brother and the choice he himself decided to make. To die, to end his life, was his choice.

I did not have control over my mother's life and  her life long, often touch and go battle, with severe polycystic kidney disease, nor the fact that she died on September 4th, 2001 and wasn't there to see me get married or have children - something she so desperately wanted to be around for.

Some of the most defining moments of my life (not all of course, but some), I had no control over them happening.

It is scary to think that you have no control, for the most part, over the most important people in your life and what happens to them (other than your young children, but even then you can't control them and if you try, it won't last long) or that you really have no control over what happens in the world and universe at large. Sorry to say, but you don't.

The good news? Because there is good news here! :D

You do however, have control over yourself and the choices you make and that is where change starts.

It starts with you. It starts with being grateful.

This is why to me, it is so important to share my feelings about my brother and some of my other life experiences, because I think so often it is easy to be on the other side of a computer screen and think that another persons life is perfect and that they don't know adversity, or depression, or abuse, or grief, or any other loss, hardship and anything and everything in between, because so often we talk only about what is good and what we like.

I've thought that before, especially reading the happy go lucky posts on message boards where anonymous posters with their mother of the year awards all lined up and they are all perky! and happy! and have perfect children and a perfect house! and seem, well, perfect!!! And that can be intimidating and then it would get me thinking "that is easy for them, their life is perfect" because it sounded like it was, and then I realized that no one is perfect. We are often presented that way online because it is more enjoyable and uplifting to talk about good and happy things. And that is fine too, talking about the good stuff is fun and what we do here more often than not on our blog as well. :o)

But, I want you to know I am real and OMG I am so far from perfect and that just like many of you, I've been through the wringer and have been through things I wouldn't wish on anyone. I could very easily spend the rest of my life feeling pity and thinking 'oh poor me, nothing ever works out for me, my brother committed suicide in November, my mother was sick my entire life growing up and died too young, it seems the whole world is out to get me, why me? blah blah blah'.

Ummm, no thanks. I don't know about you, but I'd rather be happy. How can you make a difference in the world if you are always throwing yourself a perpetual pity part and bitching about everyone and everything allll the time? I don't think you can, not for any length of time anyway...

I could be a victim of my own life (like many people are, which is truly sad) or I can turn it around and take my experiences and somehow, find a way, no matter how small to give back and help others. That is honestly what I feel my purpose in life is, is just to give back and help in any way I can.

I can't control that my brother died and I can't control that my mother died any more than I can control when the sun rises and sets. So why dwell on it? Choosing to be happy does not mean I am not sad they are gone nor does it mean that I don't miss them, or that I'm not still grieving (because I am). Of course I am sad they are gone and it goes without saying I miss them desperately and I still have my moments where I will sit down and sob and let it out and that is okay.

This is not about ignoring your feelings at all. But the difference is, I acknowledge my feelings, see what I can do to change the situation (which is often doing something to change myself - like a taking a break if I am getting cranky and overwhelmed for example, or choosing to go somewhere and cry if I need to) and then make a conscious choice not to dwell on it and instead choose to be thankful for the time I had with my mom and my brother and everything they taught me.

Gandhi said, "Be the change you wish to see in the world." Almost everyone has seen or heard that quote and it is one of my favourites.

The change I want to see in this world? That's easy. Gratitude. Love. Kindness. Respect. Charity.

It sounds simple really doesn't it?

But there is a key, or a trick to making it all work. The key to it all, is you need to feel it all in your heart and do it for all the right reasons. Not just for the money, not just for showing off and making yourself look better in front of others, not for the accolades...basically if what you are doing is based solely on the way it feeds your ego, then it's not the right way as far as I am concerned, but that is just my not so humble opinion.

Does that mean that you shouldn't get the accolades, or the paychecks or the rewards or attention you deserve? Of course not. You should! Absolutely!

But if you (and when I say 'you' I mean as in general you, not anyone specifically) are throwing money around for example and simply wanting to look charitable to others so they think 'wow, what a great person' and you are hoping they will gush about you and go on and on and on and that is the driving force (meaning your main intent) behind what you do, well that is nice of you to do those things. But you are doing that to make yourself feel better first and foremost, you aren't doing it with the main intent to help others. The intent here in this case is what it does for you (again, general 'you') and that is feeding your ego.

It needs to feed your soul first. 

A good example is after I post this today, I am going to clean my house. It's cluttered and disorganized and OMG I need to get it all straightened out, otherwise my children are going to go missing in the piles of laundry and dishes somewhere! :Þ

Today, that is going to feed my soul - simply having a clean house and enjoying it more when it is tidy and organized (it's the little things for me! :Þ). I'm not going to go nuts cleaning just so that when my husband comes home from work he'll gush about how great I am and how clean the house is. My intent for a clean house is not ego driven (ie wanting/needing the feedback), my intent is the need for a calm, tidy and organized home (that feeds my soul and a clean house makes everyone in the house happier). Do I appreciate it if I am appreciated? Of course! But that is not what is driving me at all. Same with acts of charity, it's about giving back and helping others, whether anyone else knows that I am doing it or not, is completely irrelevant to me.

See the difference? It's subtle.

When you love yourself and accept yourself for who you are, people feel it - it does affect those around you. When you are grateful for yourself, and your family and everything you have in your life, people feel it. It's contagious in the best way possible, but the same can be said for any negative feelings you have so remember that too. When you are kind to yourself, respect yourself and nurture yourself, again, people feel it. They do, whether they realize it or not, they do. It's all like a ripple affect. Be charitable to yourself, even if that is insisting you need to get groceries by yourself without any little helpers just so you can have some quiet time with your thoughts and to just...be. It is much easier to feel love and gratitude for others when you take time to do the little things that feed your spirit, and that might be as simple as running a few errands by yourself for an hour. They don't have to be huge!

When you are feeling love, and gratitude and then taking some of what you have, what you are feeling, what you have learned, what you have experienced  and go forward turning it into something good and meaningful by giving back and helping others - then you start making a difference. But like Gandhi said, first you have to "be that difference".  Basically, it boils down to energy, intent (see the above examples on what drives you do to what you do) and feelings - and you need to direct them at yourself first. Sounds hokey I know. But I am an 'energy/vibe' type person, I was raised that way and I know first hand that your 'energy' as in your emotions and what you feel, directly affects what happens to you and that around you to a very large extent. I've also learned that it might upset my kids  bit when I leave them home with my hubby so I can go and get groceries for an hour alone, but I will be soooo much better off to nurture them and be a better, more grateful and loving person, if I can get those rare quiet moments to myself.

So how do you turn things around? 

Do what I did and find something to be grateful for. It might be small or baby steps for you, but there has to be something. :o)

I was in a really weird, sad, irritable mood on March 14th. It was the 4 month anniversary of my brother's passing and my kids, gotta love 'em, were driving me crazy. That is the censored version of how they were making me feel actually. :Þ The house was a mess, my kids were cranky, fighting and bugging each other and it was all enough to make me run screaming out of my house begging someone to put me in a straight jacket and take me away. I was on the brink of becoming a shrieking looney tune, that often happens to the best of us in times like that.... :D

I stopped amidst the chaos and I thought of some of the mother's in Japan. Guaranteed there are mothers/parents who lost their children in the tsunami (I didn't read it, nor do I want to to be honest, but due to the magnitude of that disaster, you know tragically, it happened). Or they if they didn't, they lost their house, or a family member for example.

So, (and take this as an example of changing your thinking and thus your 'energy') I looked around my house, which was a total disaster and looked at my kids, who were plotting ways to pounce on each other and I was grateful. I made myself feel totally grateful. It took a few minutes to be honest, but I was not going to give up. I made myself do it, think about it and eventually feel it.

I thought about those around the world who were facing massive disasters and a much bigger magnitude of loss and devastation than I have ever experienced, and I was grateful that  my kids were alive and healthy enough to drive each other crazy. I was grateful that I am raising my daughter in a free country where she can speak her mind, be whatever she wants to be and wear whatever she wants to wear without being persecuted for it. I was grateful that I had a beautiful house to live in and a roof over my head, and things to mess it up. There were kids clothes everywhere, dishes in the sink, toys, you name it...it was on my floor and all over my house. My house that was still standing and would continue to do so. I reminded myself to be thankful that I had food to mess up my dishes, clean water to wash them in, clothes for my kids and toys for them to play with. Then I cleaned it up. And I'm assuming because I was now feeling love and gratitude to the point I almost started singing like my life was a musical, my kids willingly chipped and and helped me out, which is not normal for them - at all without a lot of cajoling on my part. ;o)

I turned it around and I was feeling pretty low and quite down and depressed when I started. That is how you do it. It's really simple and yes, sometimes you need to force yourself, but you can do it. Trust me, if I can do it, you can too. Like anything worthwhile in life, sometimes you have to put some effort into it. :o)

It was my mom who taught me this skill. 3 times a week she would shuffle off to her dialysis sessions, which were also in the same building as the Tom Baker Cancer Clinic here in Calgary. Sometimes those dialysis sessions were brutal and painful and she would crash (ie her blood pressure would plummet) but she would still find a way to be grateful.

She would look at the cancer patients who were undergoing chemo and were weak and losing their hair, or were walking out sobbing and in shock because they were just told they only had weeks left to live, and she would be grateful for herself. My mom was *really* sick almost her entire adult life, but she didn't think that way. She would be grateful that the only problem as she put it, was her kidneys didn't work. And if it was a particularly bad day or dialysis session for her, she would look up at the hospital windows as she left and be grateful that even though she was feeling crappy, she got to go home. No matter how she was feeling or what she was going through, she always found something to be grateful for and meant it. She felt it. Out of everything my mom taught me in my life, that has to be the most profound and helpful lesson I could have ever learned.

That my friends, is how you learn to find gratitude in the face of adversity...

With love and light ♥, 

 

PS The picture at the top is my brother this time last year with my kids when we were out Geocaching. :o) In his is life and even in his death he has taught me so much and helped me to become a better person, and for that I am grateful. Love you dentd_halo ♥

We Need Your Input - What Not To Say

We are working on a special series of posts, and we need your input.

The series is somewhat of a sensitive matter that we really believe needs to be addressed. We will be writing about what NOT to say to those in situations different than your own.

This idea was spurred on by the overwhelmingly positive reponse to Laila's What Not To Say To Those Who are Greiving post. It piqued our curiosity to see what else we shouldn't say, though we may be well intentioned. We'd like your input.

Please share with us what people say to you or ask about your family that you find inappropriate or offensive. Topics may include a special need, adoption, death, pregnancy, or anything else that troubles you.

This series will be written with the utmost respect to our contributors and you can trust that we respect your privacy. We are asking that you email your story to us at significantlysimple(at)gmail(dot)com.

Thank you for helping us to strengthen the trust families have in their communities.

Last Words...

I've been truckin' along, feeling quite proud of myself for 'handling' my brother's suicide so well. I've been soothing myself by telling myself that this is what he obviously wanted, he's at peace now and hanging out in Heaven with my Mom and Grandparents etc.

I should have known better really.

This week it seemed to hit me all over again, harder and with more force this time. The numbness and shock, I gather, has worn off and I'm not "truckin' along" quite as well as I thought I was. It's words of all things that are hitting my soul reminding me of Lars. I'm finding myself heartbroken all over again, feeling like I am taking one step forward and two steps back in this whole bereavement process (which is admittedly rather irritating to me, because I just like to get on with things and I know that I can't with this, I just have to let it happen the way it is meant to...).

Everyday words that I would normally just look right past and not blink an eye at now hold so much significance to me and I'm finding it hard to get past them.

Police. Every time I see the word on the side or back of a police car I am instantly transported back to that night when the police officer was banging on my door at 12 am to tell me my brother had died. I see them every day when I am out driving around and I don't know how to get past it, or get to the point where I can see a police car and not think about my brother and that night.

Legos. Dear God, someone help me because Matty is now hardcore into Legos and Star Wars, two things my brother was obsessed with when he was a child and I keep catching myself wanting to phone or text my brother and share this commonality that Matty has with him, share with him how cute Matty is playing with his Legos and how much he reminds me of him, but I can't.

Empty. There is a part of me that is so blessed and so full of life because I have an amazing family and I'm surrounded by equally amazing friends, but there is a large part of me right now that feels so agonizingly empty without my brother.

I think of my last words with Lars...

A text message letting him know how much Noah and the kids loved the gifts he brought the day before and I invited him over for supper again the next weekend. We had just moved back to Calgary and were finally living in the same city again and I was looking forward to seeing him more often. He texted me back that the following Saturday would be great for supper, that he loved me and would chat with me later. About 5 minutes after that he took his own life. I desperately cling to those last words of his in his text message.

The night before he died he was over for supper and was (seemingly) fine, his normal happy go lucky self. We had a truly wonderful visit and if that is the last memory I have of him, I am glad it is that one. I try and replay that night in my head over and over and over trying to make sure I don't forget a single sentence , a single syllable and at the same time I am terrified because I know as time goes on, I will inevitably forget bits and pieces here and there.

Then I am brought back full circle again, faced with that icky side of life that no one wants to talk about, let alone think about in regards to themselves or anyone close to them.

Death.

There I said it. 

No matter what you do, there is no getting away from it. But in my opinion, death is a form of rebirth, don't you think? I'm reminded of this wonderful story that in all this grief, in all this darkness, brings me light and gives me hope. It's 'The Dragonfly Story', also known by it's proper title 'Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children' by Doris Stickney.

So, without further adieu... :o)

The Dragonfly Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another, "one of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return.

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together, "I have an idea." "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail.

Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water.

He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

I love that story. Through my tears it makes me smile and somehow renews my spirit to keep "truckin' on" as I so eloquently like to put it. ;o)

Thank you for listening and letting me share this with you. I hope my words and The Dragonfly Story can help someone out there as well who is going though the grieving process. (((hugs)))



With love and light ♥,

Wordy Wednesdays - What NOT to Say to Those Who Are Grieving....

The holiday season can be particularly stressful for everyone, especially those who are dealing with the death of a loved one who isn't here to celebrate with them.

As many of you know, my brother passed away last month unexpectedly. Lars was truly one of my best friends and we talked almost every day. It was always him and I as a team and throughout our lives we had been through so much together. For the first time in 31 years my Dad and I are faced with a Christmas without him. He was the epitome of Christmas - he loved everything about it so this year, our first Christmas and Solstice without him, is particularly hard because everthing we see reminds us of him.

I am so incredibly blessed to have wonderful friends and family and I know it's hard for them being on the outside of the circle looking in so to speak, they just want to wave a magic wand and make it all better. The thing is, no one can. There are no words at all that anyone can say that will make it easier, no advice is going to take the pain away.

A good friend and I were talking the other night about this. She lost her dear sweet mother to cancer in 1999. My mom died in 2001 and then my brother last month. Between the two of us, we know grief at Chistmastime and how some of the things that people say, to put it nicely, that don't help. At all.

We figured it was only fair to let well intentioned people know what to say that is helpful and what not to say to a person who is dealing with grief and loss - at least from our perspective. :o)

Here is what is not helpful:

(afterward I'll give you the magic words on what to say.)

1. "It was his/her time."

Maybe it was. I believe that when it's your time, it's your time. However hearing this from well meaning people doesn't help. This is right up there with when I had a few miscarriages and I was told it just wasn't meant to be and it was for the best because there were obviously problems with the baby etc etc etc. Probably true. Doesn't mean you should say it.

2. "You just have to remember the good times."

This usually comes with a tsk tsk or tone of pity. This isn't helpful either. Of course we will remember the good times. After a death, we go through *everything* and remember all the times good and bad. Being told to do this by well meaning individuals doesn't help.

3. "You need to move on/get over it" or anything of the sort that sounds like that.

Again, not helpful. Yes life goes on somehow, it has to. And I know first hand that wallowing in a pit of self pity and depression doesn't bring anyone back and doesn't make anything better. Telling a grieving person this doesn't help, it almost makes it worse.

4. "They are at peace now/in God's hands/in Heaven" etc etc.

This is borderline. They may be in Heaven and at peace and that is all fine and dandy but it doesn't really help with the profound sadness we are going through down here trying to cope with their death. Use this one with caution.

5. "They wouldn't want you to feel this way. They would want you to be happy and go on."

Oh, you gotta love the guilt card on behalf of the dead person. Do not say this. Just don't. It makes the grieving person feel guilty for feeling the way they do and that is the absolute last thing they need. Of course the deceased most likely wouldn't want their loved ones left behind to feel sad and struggle to cope, but the fact of the matter is they will no matter what becuase it is part of the grieving process.

So are you sitting there like a deer in headlights thinking, "Oh my gosh, what should I say then!?"

First of all, if you have said any of these things, don't feel badly. Chances are your heart was in the right place and you had the best of intentions ♥. These things are tricky and it is hard to know what to say. Unless you've been through it, you can't possibly understand. And that is okay! Unfortunately we all have to go through it at one point or another...

Think of it like a pregnant woman.  A pregnant woman is more than allowed to say 50 times a day how huge she feels, but you are *never* allowed to say that to her, right? (please, please say "right"!)
A person who is grieving might say those 5 things I listed and more and that is okay. THEY are allowed to, you are not (unless you are grieving the same loss and it is helping you to cope, but that is a whole other conversation). It's just the way it is. I know myself I have said them all in my conversations as I verbalize and try and process it all, but it makes me bristle when someone says it to me. It's almost  demeaning being told that I should do this or that and really made made to feel like I am not allowed to be feeling what I am - like someone wants to say "You need to just remember the good times..." and that is going to wrap it all up in a nice little pretty bow and make it all better. It just won't.

Grief is a process that one must go through. Not over, under or around, but through it. There is no magic timeline, it is personal to each individual. Some people cope better than others, some people go through the process faster than others, some people even have a delayed reaction and it doesn't even hit them until months down the road. This is all normal.

For those left on the outside looking in wondering how they can help, here is how:

1. If you don't know what to say, say exactly that. It is okay to not know what to say or do.

The fact of the matter is there is nothing you can say or do that will make it all better and there is nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know what to say, I wish I could make this better for you, if there is anything you need at all I am here for you." <--- If there is one thing you remember from this post, remember that sentence. And remember that you can't make it better and no one expects you to.

2. If you have funny or special memories, share them.

Instead of saying "You have to remember the good times...." share the good times you remember. When the time is right in the conversation simply saying "I have a special/funny memory {or I remember when...} that I think about a lot...." If the right time never seems to come up, then share it in an email and just let the person know you were thinking about them. Don't be offended if they don't email back right away either.

I have loved getting emails and letters and phone calls from people sharing their memories of Lars or my mom. Some made me cry, some made me laugh out loud and all are appreciated.

3. If it is around a holiday, birthday, anniversary, special time of year acknowledge it if you remember.

If you know it is a harder time than usual for the person grieving, a simple call or email just saying, "I am thinking about you..." or asking how they are doing (without the condescending tone if you can help it) and allowing the person to open up and talk if they feel like it is also okay.

Heather asked me the other night on IM how I was doing and it was enough of an opening, so to speak, for me to say I wasn't doing so good at the moment and open up about how I didn't know how to get through the holidays without Lars and that trying to cope with his death on top of all the other craziness that occurs this time of year was just about enough to send me over the edge.

I sat on the other end of the computer and cried and cried, but I needed to. It was starting to build up and I hadn't cried in a few days and I hadn't had a chance to talk about how I was feeling in a few days - it needed to come out. At the same time though it is hard to just blurt out and say , "I'm having a hard time coping right now..." so sometimes asking that simple question and acknowledging that it is a hard time of year is incredibly helpful.

4. Don't ignore the situation or the person.

Often in times when we don't know what to say, we don't say anything at all or we avoid the person or the situation. My Aunt told me that when some of her friends found out how Lars passed away they started avoiding her. That is awful and I know she was really hurt. Lars was her nephew and she deserved support and compassion no matter how he died. I'm assuming her friends didn't know what to say or do to help her and my Uncle. Like I said, it's okay to not know what to say and it is okay to say that you don't know what to say. See what I'm sayin'? ;o)

5. Listen and don't judge.

Especially if the death was a suicide and there was no note or clear answer why, those left grieiving are going to have a gazillion and one theories on what was the cause. Let them. Don't discount them or what they are saying, just listen. Don't judge the person who died on behalf of the person who is grieving. Again listening and letting them work through their feelings and theories as to why is part of the process.



Are you grieving the loss of a loved one this year? What is helping you get through the holidays?

I know for me, I'll be honest and admit that I am barely keeping it together. If it wasn't for my kids I think I would hide under the covers until New Years. I'm just not into it this year and I don't feel guilty for that. I am trying to make it fun and special for my kids, but I am allowing myself to just go through the motions this year and get through it the best I can. All those 'firsts' are hard (first birthday without them, first Christmas without them etc etc), after that I find the pain eases a little more each year that passes, or maybe we just get used to it and cope better? I dunno...

Do you have any special memories you want to share? Anything special you do to remember your loved one who has passed on? Feel free to comment and share and we can all get through it together. ((((hugs))))

With love and light, ♥