What (Not) To Say Series, Part 1: Pregnancy & Family Types

We asked for your input and you provided very valuable insight. We received quite a number of responses -it isn't possible to address all of them, but we will be addressing 3 main topics, all revolving around family.

What (not) to say to others in regards to:

• Pregnancy, childbirth, and family planning
• Families with unique children
• Adoption

We do believe, for the very most part, that people have good intentions when they speak to us about family. Though spoken without malice, words have the power to inflict a powerful range of emotions, so it's best to either curb your tongue, not say anything at all, or be confident in that what you say will make the other feel good.






"Before the tongue can speak, it must have lost the power to wound."
~Peace Pilgrim~
All families have a beginning. For some, the beginning is the most difficult part; and devastatingly so when it's also the end. For many women, becoming pregnant is very, very difficult, and at times it may not happen at all.

Infertility is an extra-ordinarily difficult road for so many women - and likely someone you know. What makes it even more difficult is the response from others who simply don't understand what it is like to not be able to conceive a child, not carry a child to term, and finally to not hold your child in your arms. The woman who desires to, but cannot bear children knows better than anyone else what it feels like. Something she does not need to hear is, 'tsk, tsk that's too bad - I guess you could always adopt'. She may still be grieving for the pregnancy she assumed (and dreamed) would happen. She may want to pursue other medical options. She may not be ready to consider adoption. And she most certainly does not want to be pitied.

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Women who are able to conceive but suffer miscarriages experience an enormous range of emotions. Some shout their news from the rooftops and others celebrate in private. But none of them are ready for the sour taste of losing their baby. Miscarriage is an event that is grieved and it can happen at any time during pregnancy . A woman grieves not only her unborn child, but the future she imagined with her child. There are 2 things you should never, every say to someone who has lost a child to miscarriage. The first is "it's for the best - surely there was something wrong with the baby". When a woman is newly pregnant, she is positive that her child is absolutely perfect, and to tell her anything contrary, especially at this sensitive time, is insensitive. The second thing you should never say is "thank goodness it happened now and not later". There is no 'ideal' time to lose a baby - it happened, and it's a loss - both physically and emotionally. Please do not minimize the grief that she is entitled to.

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Families come in all sorts of sizes, and shapes. Some families have single children, some have many children, ome have mixed race children, some have twins and triplets, and some have kids that are all the same gender. None of this is rocket science! We had a lot of input on this topic - and we came out with very clear warnings about what not to say:

• When you see a family with many kids, don't assume they are uneducated and uninformed. Please do not make a crass statement about 'too many kids!'.  Large families are often a well thought our process and dedicated parents are fantastic at raising their kids.
• When you encounter a mom with twins or triplets, please don't ever ask if the woman took fertility drugs - it's simply no one's business.  And something I learned from the mom of triplets in my son's class:  treat each of the children as individuals - they are not a 'group of one'.
• When you see a family of all boys, don't ask them if they are going to try for a girl and then be surprised if they say no.  Same goes for all-daughter families.
• When you see a mixed race family it is not safe to assume the kids are adopted; nor is it safe to assume that the kids are biological.  Confused?  The fact is, it doesn't matter - they are someone's children and someone is their parent.  Either don't ask, or simply tell them they have a beautiful family.

Again, I understand we are well-intentioned, if not a little curious, about other families at times.  If there is a point to your asking about a certain situation, then get to the point quickly so the other knows why you're asking - chances are, they will be happy to discuss it with you, if it's relevant.

We have some fabulous guest bloggers coming up to discuss adoption (particularly international adoption) and families with a unique child or children, so stay tuned for their articles!

If you have something you'd like to add to this post, please comment here or drop us a line on our facebook page. :)

Read Part 2: Families with Unique Children