Last Words...

I've been truckin' along, feeling quite proud of myself for 'handling' my brother's suicide so well. I've been soothing myself by telling myself that this is what he obviously wanted, he's at peace now and hanging out in Heaven with my Mom and Grandparents etc.

I should have known better really.

This week it seemed to hit me all over again, harder and with more force this time. The numbness and shock, I gather, has worn off and I'm not "truckin' along" quite as well as I thought I was. It's words of all things that are hitting my soul reminding me of Lars. I'm finding myself heartbroken all over again, feeling like I am taking one step forward and two steps back in this whole bereavement process (which is admittedly rather irritating to me, because I just like to get on with things and I know that I can't with this, I just have to let it happen the way it is meant to...).

Everyday words that I would normally just look right past and not blink an eye at now hold so much significance to me and I'm finding it hard to get past them.

Police. Every time I see the word on the side or back of a police car I am instantly transported back to that night when the police officer was banging on my door at 12 am to tell me my brother had died. I see them every day when I am out driving around and I don't know how to get past it, or get to the point where I can see a police car and not think about my brother and that night.

Legos. Dear God, someone help me because Matty is now hardcore into Legos and Star Wars, two things my brother was obsessed with when he was a child and I keep catching myself wanting to phone or text my brother and share this commonality that Matty has with him, share with him how cute Matty is playing with his Legos and how much he reminds me of him, but I can't.

Empty. There is a part of me that is so blessed and so full of life because I have an amazing family and I'm surrounded by equally amazing friends, but there is a large part of me right now that feels so agonizingly empty without my brother.

I think of my last words with Lars...

A text message letting him know how much Noah and the kids loved the gifts he brought the day before and I invited him over for supper again the next weekend. We had just moved back to Calgary and were finally living in the same city again and I was looking forward to seeing him more often. He texted me back that the following Saturday would be great for supper, that he loved me and would chat with me later. About 5 minutes after that he took his own life. I desperately cling to those last words of his in his text message.

The night before he died he was over for supper and was (seemingly) fine, his normal happy go lucky self. We had a truly wonderful visit and if that is the last memory I have of him, I am glad it is that one. I try and replay that night in my head over and over and over trying to make sure I don't forget a single sentence , a single syllable and at the same time I am terrified because I know as time goes on, I will inevitably forget bits and pieces here and there.

Then I am brought back full circle again, faced with that icky side of life that no one wants to talk about, let alone think about in regards to themselves or anyone close to them.

Death.

There I said it. 

No matter what you do, there is no getting away from it. But in my opinion, death is a form of rebirth, don't you think? I'm reminded of this wonderful story that in all this grief, in all this darkness, brings me light and gives me hope. It's 'The Dragonfly Story', also known by it's proper title 'Waterbugs and Dragonflies: Explaining Death to Young Children' by Doris Stickney.

So, without further adieu... :o)

The Dragonfly Story

Down below the surface of a quiet pond lived a little colony of water bugs. They were a happy colony, living far away from the sun. For many months they were very busy, scurrying over the soft mud on the bottom of the pond. They did notice that every once in awhile one of their colony seemed to lose interest in going about. Clinging to the stem of a pond lily it gradually moved out of sight and was seen no more.

"Look!" said one of the water bugs to another, "one of our colony is climbing up the lily stalk. Where do you think she is going?" Up, up, up it slowly went....Even as they watched, the water bug disappeared from sight. Its friends waited and waited but it didn't return.

"That's funny!" said one water bug to another. "Wasn't she happy here?" asked a second... "Where do you suppose she went?" wondered a third.

No one had an answer. They were greatly puzzled. Finally one of the water bugs, a leader in the colony, gathered its friends together, "I have an idea." "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk must promise to come back and tell us where he or she went and why."

"We promise", they said solemnly.

One spring day, not long after, the very water bug who had suggested the plan found himself climbing up the lily stalk. Up, up, up, he went. Before he knew what was happening, he had broke through the surface of the water and fallen onto the broad, green lily pad above.

When he awoke, he looked about with surprise. He couldn't believe what he saw. A startling change had come to his old body. His movement revealed four silver wings and a long tail.

Even as he struggled, he felt an impulse to move his wings...The warmth of the sun soon dried the moisture from the new body. He moved his wings again and suddenly found himself up above the water.

He had become a dragonfly!!

Swooping and dipping in great curves, he flew through the air. He felt exhilarated in the new atmosphere. By and by the new dragonfly lighted happily on a lily pad to rest. Then it was that he chanced to look below to the bottom of the pond. Why, he was right above his old friends, the water bugs! There they were scurrying around, just as he had been doing some time before.

The dragonfly remembered the promise: "The next one of us who climbs up the lily stalk will come back and tell where he or she went and why."

Without thinking, the dragonfly darted down. Suddenly he hit the surface of the water and bounced away. Now that he was a dragonfly, he could no longer go into the water...

"I can't return!" he said in dismay. "At least, I tried. But I can't keep my promise. Even if I could go back, not one of the water bugs would know me in my new body. I guess I'll just have to wait until they become dragonflies too. Then they'll understand what has happened to me, and where I went."

And the dragonfly winged off happily into its wonderful new world of sun and air.......

I love that story. Through my tears it makes me smile and somehow renews my spirit to keep "truckin' on" as I so eloquently like to put it. ;o)

Thank you for listening and letting me share this with you. I hope my words and The Dragonfly Story can help someone out there as well who is going though the grieving process. (((hugs)))



With love and light ♥,

Wordy Wednesdays - What NOT to Say to Those Who Are Grieving....

The holiday season can be particularly stressful for everyone, especially those who are dealing with the death of a loved one who isn't here to celebrate with them.

As many of you know, my brother passed away last month unexpectedly. Lars was truly one of my best friends and we talked almost every day. It was always him and I as a team and throughout our lives we had been through so much together. For the first time in 31 years my Dad and I are faced with a Christmas without him. He was the epitome of Christmas - he loved everything about it so this year, our first Christmas and Solstice without him, is particularly hard because everthing we see reminds us of him.

I am so incredibly blessed to have wonderful friends and family and I know it's hard for them being on the outside of the circle looking in so to speak, they just want to wave a magic wand and make it all better. The thing is, no one can. There are no words at all that anyone can say that will make it easier, no advice is going to take the pain away.

A good friend and I were talking the other night about this. She lost her dear sweet mother to cancer in 1999. My mom died in 2001 and then my brother last month. Between the two of us, we know grief at Chistmastime and how some of the things that people say, to put it nicely, that don't help. At all.

We figured it was only fair to let well intentioned people know what to say that is helpful and what not to say to a person who is dealing with grief and loss - at least from our perspective. :o)

Here is what is not helpful:

(afterward I'll give you the magic words on what to say.)

1. "It was his/her time."

Maybe it was. I believe that when it's your time, it's your time. However hearing this from well meaning people doesn't help. This is right up there with when I had a few miscarriages and I was told it just wasn't meant to be and it was for the best because there were obviously problems with the baby etc etc etc. Probably true. Doesn't mean you should say it.

2. "You just have to remember the good times."

This usually comes with a tsk tsk or tone of pity. This isn't helpful either. Of course we will remember the good times. After a death, we go through *everything* and remember all the times good and bad. Being told to do this by well meaning individuals doesn't help.

3. "You need to move on/get over it" or anything of the sort that sounds like that.

Again, not helpful. Yes life goes on somehow, it has to. And I know first hand that wallowing in a pit of self pity and depression doesn't bring anyone back and doesn't make anything better. Telling a grieving person this doesn't help, it almost makes it worse.

4. "They are at peace now/in God's hands/in Heaven" etc etc.

This is borderline. They may be in Heaven and at peace and that is all fine and dandy but it doesn't really help with the profound sadness we are going through down here trying to cope with their death. Use this one with caution.

5. "They wouldn't want you to feel this way. They would want you to be happy and go on."

Oh, you gotta love the guilt card on behalf of the dead person. Do not say this. Just don't. It makes the grieving person feel guilty for feeling the way they do and that is the absolute last thing they need. Of course the deceased most likely wouldn't want their loved ones left behind to feel sad and struggle to cope, but the fact of the matter is they will no matter what becuase it is part of the grieving process.

So are you sitting there like a deer in headlights thinking, "Oh my gosh, what should I say then!?"

First of all, if you have said any of these things, don't feel badly. Chances are your heart was in the right place and you had the best of intentions ♥. These things are tricky and it is hard to know what to say. Unless you've been through it, you can't possibly understand. And that is okay! Unfortunately we all have to go through it at one point or another...

Think of it like a pregnant woman.  A pregnant woman is more than allowed to say 50 times a day how huge she feels, but you are *never* allowed to say that to her, right? (please, please say "right"!)
A person who is grieving might say those 5 things I listed and more and that is okay. THEY are allowed to, you are not (unless you are grieving the same loss and it is helping you to cope, but that is a whole other conversation). It's just the way it is. I know myself I have said them all in my conversations as I verbalize and try and process it all, but it makes me bristle when someone says it to me. It's almost  demeaning being told that I should do this or that and really made made to feel like I am not allowed to be feeling what I am - like someone wants to say "You need to just remember the good times..." and that is going to wrap it all up in a nice little pretty bow and make it all better. It just won't.

Grief is a process that one must go through. Not over, under or around, but through it. There is no magic timeline, it is personal to each individual. Some people cope better than others, some people go through the process faster than others, some people even have a delayed reaction and it doesn't even hit them until months down the road. This is all normal.

For those left on the outside looking in wondering how they can help, here is how:

1. If you don't know what to say, say exactly that. It is okay to not know what to say or do.

The fact of the matter is there is nothing you can say or do that will make it all better and there is nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know what to say, I wish I could make this better for you, if there is anything you need at all I am here for you." <--- If there is one thing you remember from this post, remember that sentence. And remember that you can't make it better and no one expects you to.

2. If you have funny or special memories, share them.

Instead of saying "You have to remember the good times...." share the good times you remember. When the time is right in the conversation simply saying "I have a special/funny memory {or I remember when...} that I think about a lot...." If the right time never seems to come up, then share it in an email and just let the person know you were thinking about them. Don't be offended if they don't email back right away either.

I have loved getting emails and letters and phone calls from people sharing their memories of Lars or my mom. Some made me cry, some made me laugh out loud and all are appreciated.

3. If it is around a holiday, birthday, anniversary, special time of year acknowledge it if you remember.

If you know it is a harder time than usual for the person grieving, a simple call or email just saying, "I am thinking about you..." or asking how they are doing (without the condescending tone if you can help it) and allowing the person to open up and talk if they feel like it is also okay.

Heather asked me the other night on IM how I was doing and it was enough of an opening, so to speak, for me to say I wasn't doing so good at the moment and open up about how I didn't know how to get through the holidays without Lars and that trying to cope with his death on top of all the other craziness that occurs this time of year was just about enough to send me over the edge.

I sat on the other end of the computer and cried and cried, but I needed to. It was starting to build up and I hadn't cried in a few days and I hadn't had a chance to talk about how I was feeling in a few days - it needed to come out. At the same time though it is hard to just blurt out and say , "I'm having a hard time coping right now..." so sometimes asking that simple question and acknowledging that it is a hard time of year is incredibly helpful.

4. Don't ignore the situation or the person.

Often in times when we don't know what to say, we don't say anything at all or we avoid the person or the situation. My Aunt told me that when some of her friends found out how Lars passed away they started avoiding her. That is awful and I know she was really hurt. Lars was her nephew and she deserved support and compassion no matter how he died. I'm assuming her friends didn't know what to say or do to help her and my Uncle. Like I said, it's okay to not know what to say and it is okay to say that you don't know what to say. See what I'm sayin'? ;o)

5. Listen and don't judge.

Especially if the death was a suicide and there was no note or clear answer why, those left grieiving are going to have a gazillion and one theories on what was the cause. Let them. Don't discount them or what they are saying, just listen. Don't judge the person who died on behalf of the person who is grieving. Again listening and letting them work through their feelings and theories as to why is part of the process.



Are you grieving the loss of a loved one this year? What is helping you get through the holidays?

I know for me, I'll be honest and admit that I am barely keeping it together. If it wasn't for my kids I think I would hide under the covers until New Years. I'm just not into it this year and I don't feel guilty for that. I am trying to make it fun and special for my kids, but I am allowing myself to just go through the motions this year and get through it the best I can. All those 'firsts' are hard (first birthday without them, first Christmas without them etc etc), after that I find the pain eases a little more each year that passes, or maybe we just get used to it and cope better? I dunno...

Do you have any special memories you want to share? Anything special you do to remember your loved one who has passed on? Feel free to comment and share and we can all get through it together. ((((hugs))))

With love and light, ♥