The holiday season can be particularly stressful for everyone, especially those who are dealing with the death of a loved one who isn't here to celebrate with them.
As many of you know, my brother passed away last month unexpectedly. Lars was truly one of my best friends and we talked almost every day. It was always him and I as a team and throughout our lives we had been through so much together. For the first time in 31 years my Dad and I are faced with a Christmas without him. He was the epitome of Christmas - he loved everything about it so this year, our first Christmas and Solstice without him, is particularly hard because everthing we see reminds us of him.
I am so incredibly blessed to have wonderful friends and family and I know it's hard for them being on the outside of the circle looking in so to speak, they just want to wave a magic wand and make it all better. The thing is, no one can. There are no words at all that anyone can say that will make it easier, no advice is going to take the pain away.
A good friend and I were talking the other night about this. She lost her dear sweet mother to cancer in 1999. My mom died in 2001 and then my brother last month. Between the two of us, we know grief at Chistmastime and how some of the things that people say, to put it nicely, that don't help. At all.
We figured it was only fair to let well intentioned people know what to say that is helpful and what not to say to a person who is dealing with grief and loss - at least from our perspective. :o)
Here is what is not helpful:
(afterward I'll give you the magic words on what to say.)
1. "It was his/her time."
Maybe it was. I believe that when it's your time, it's your time. However hearing this from well meaning people doesn't help. This is right up there with when I had a few miscarriages and I was told it just wasn't meant to be and it was for the best because there were obviously problems with the baby etc etc etc. Probably true. Doesn't mean you should say it.
2. "You just have to remember the good times."
This usually comes with a tsk tsk or tone of pity. This isn't helpful either. Of course we will remember the good times. After a death, we go through *everything* and remember all the times good and bad. Being told to do this by well meaning individuals doesn't help.
3. "You need to move on/get over it" or anything of the sort that sounds like that.
Again, not helpful. Yes life goes on somehow, it has to. And I know first hand that wallowing in a pit of self pity and depression doesn't bring anyone back and doesn't make anything better. Telling a grieving person this doesn't help, it almost makes it worse.
4. "They are at peace now/in God's hands/in Heaven" etc etc.
This is borderline. They may be in Heaven and at peace and that is all fine and dandy but it doesn't really help with the profound sadness we are going through down here trying to cope with their death. Use this one with caution.
5. "They wouldn't want you to feel this way. They would want you to be happy and go on."
Oh, you gotta love the guilt card on behalf of the dead person. Do not say this. Just don't. It makes the grieving person feel guilty for feeling the way they do and that is the absolute last thing they need. Of course the deceased most likely wouldn't want their loved ones left behind to feel sad and struggle to cope, but the fact of the matter is they will no matter what becuase it is part of the grieving process.
So are you sitting there like a deer in headlights thinking, "Oh my gosh, what should I say then!?"
First of all, if you have said any of these things, don't feel badly. Chances are your heart was in the right place and you had the best of intentions ♥. These things are tricky and it is hard to know what to say. Unless you've been through it, you can't possibly understand. And that is okay! Unfortunately we all have to go through it at one point or another...
Think of it like a pregnant woman. A pregnant woman is more than allowed to say 50 times a day how huge she feels, but you are *never* allowed to say that to her, right? (please, please say "right"!)
A person who is grieving might say those 5 things I listed and more and that is okay. THEY are allowed to, you are not (unless you are grieving the same loss and it is helping you to cope, but that is a whole other conversation). It's just the way it is. I know myself I have said them all in my conversations as I verbalize and try and process it all, but it makes me bristle when someone says it to me. It's almost demeaning being told that I should do this or that and really made made to feel like I am not allowed to be feeling what I am - like someone wants to say "You need to just remember the good times..." and that is going to wrap it all up in a nice little pretty bow and make it all better. It just won't.
Grief is a process that one must go through. Not over, under or around, but through it. There is no magic timeline, it is personal to each individual. Some people cope better than others, some people go through the process faster than others, some people even have a delayed reaction and it doesn't even hit them until months down the road. This is all normal.
For those left on the outside looking in wondering how they can help, here is how:
1. If you don't know what to say, say exactly that. It is okay to not know what to say or do.
The fact of the matter is there is nothing you can say or do that will make it all better and there is nothing wrong with saying, "I don't know what to say, I wish I could make this better for you, if there is anything you need at all I am here for you." <--- If there is one thing you remember from this post, remember that sentence. And remember that you can't make it better and no one expects you to.
2. If you have funny or special memories, share them.
Instead of saying "You have to remember the good times...." share the good times you remember. When the time is right in the conversation simply saying "I have a special/funny memory {or I remember when...} that I think about a lot...." If the right time never seems to come up, then share it in an email and just let the person know you were thinking about them. Don't be offended if they don't email back right away either.
I have loved getting emails and letters and phone calls from people sharing their memories of Lars or my mom. Some made me cry, some made me laugh out loud and all are appreciated.
3. If it is around a holiday, birthday, anniversary, special time of year acknowledge it if you remember.
If you know it is a harder time than usual for the person grieving, a simple call or email just saying, "I am thinking about you..." or asking how they are doing (without the condescending tone if you can help it) and allowing the person to open up and talk if they feel like it is also okay.
Heather asked me the other night on IM how I was doing and it was enough of an opening, so to speak, for me to say I wasn't doing so good at the moment and open up about how I didn't know how to get through the holidays without Lars and that trying to cope with his death on top of all the other craziness that occurs this time of year was just about enough to send me over the edge.
I sat on the other end of the computer and cried and cried, but I needed to. It was starting to build up and I hadn't cried in a few days and I hadn't had a chance to talk about how I was feeling in a few days - it needed to come out. At the same time though it is hard to just blurt out and say , "I'm having a hard time coping right now..." so sometimes asking that simple question and acknowledging that it is a hard time of year is incredibly helpful.
4. Don't ignore the situation or the person.
Often in times when we don't know what to say, we don't say anything at all or we avoid the person or the situation. My Aunt told me that when some of her friends found out how Lars passed away they started avoiding her. That is awful and I know she was really hurt. Lars was her nephew and she deserved support and compassion no matter how he died. I'm assuming her friends didn't know what to say or do to help her and my Uncle. Like I said, it's okay to not know what to say and it is okay to say that you don't know what to say. See what I'm sayin'? ;o)
5. Listen and don't judge.
Especially if the death was a suicide and there was no note or clear answer why, those left grieiving are going to have a gazillion and one theories on what was the cause. Let them. Don't discount them or what they are saying, just listen. Don't judge the person who died on behalf of the person who is grieving. Again listening and letting them work through their feelings and theories as to why is part of the process.
Are you grieving the loss of a loved one this year? What is helping you get through the holidays?
I know for me, I'll be honest and admit that I am barely keeping it together. If it wasn't for my kids I think I would hide under the covers until New Years. I'm just not into it this year and I don't feel guilty for that. I am trying to make it fun and special for my kids, but I am allowing myself to just go through the motions this year and get through it the best I can. All those 'firsts' are hard (first birthday without them, first Christmas without them etc etc), after that I find the pain eases a little more each year that passes, or maybe we just get used to it and cope better? I dunno...
Do you have any special memories you want to share? Anything special you do to remember your loved one who has passed on? Feel free to comment and share and we can all get through it together. ((((hugs))))
With love and light, ♥
