What (Not) To Say Series, Part 3: Adoptive Families

This is our third and final post in our What (Not) To Say Series.  It is written by a guest contributor, "Nicky", who writes about her family at  Rowan Family Tree.  She and her husband created their family through international adoption and we are so glad that she has come on board for the final chapter in this series.

Photo Credit:  "Nicky" of Rowan Family Tree

Life is always exciting when you have two girls, two dogs, two cats and a dozen fish! Rowan Family Tree is a popular Ethiopian Canadian adoption blog chronicling the adventures of the Rowan family: mama “Nicky”, ababa “Jrock”, and twin daughters “Sugar and Spice”. Follow the love and the laughs at Rowan Family Tree.

The Mall Obstacle Course: What To Say to an Adoptive Family

The girls were getting cranky. I had been hauling them around the mall for an hour, picking up specialty shampoos for their tight dark curls and scouring sale bins for the size four clothes they would wear next season. My daughters, almost 4 year old twins, had reached their limit and were starting to drag their feet. So I sighed, bought them a cinnamon bun and sat down with them in the middle of the mall for a sanity break.

Next to us, there was a young couple in their twenties. They saw us and grinned. I passed a weary smile back at them. They started to whisper to each other in those loud secretive undertone that people do in public places where they think they can’t be heard. I knew what was coming: we had already been asked by at least 15 batches of strangers through the mall “are they twins?” At least 10 of them followed up with “They are so beautiful!” My Ethiopian-born daughters are lovely, and as a trans-racial family we constantly attract people’s curiosity. You can imagine how it slows a family with young children down, though, being forced to interact with strangers literally every three minutes. The kids get very tired of the attention too.

“Are they adopted?” a lady suddenly yelled across the 4 feet of space separating us.

My feeler went up, and I dryly stated back, “hello.”

She ignored the overt politeness correction.

“Uh... are they adopted?”

Now just imagine what it’s like to be in my daughter’s shoes here. Being looked up and down and being talked about as if they aren’t there.

“These are my daughters. My husband and I adopted them,” I commented, trying to look proud and not irritated.

More whispering. Then suddenly, “are their parents dead?”

Again, put yourself into my children’s shoes. Can you imagine complete strangers prying into your personal life in the food court, and prodding at your life’s biggest losses? I knew these folks had no social skills whatsoever, so I tried damage control, meanwhile willing the girls to chew their cinnamon buns more quickly.

“We don’t share our family’s personal history with strangers, I’m sorry.” I stated firmly.

“Oh.” The lady looked crestfallen. “We were just thinking of adopting and I’m interested.” Oh – I thought to myself. Maybe I had underestimated her intentions and she just had a deplorable sense of conversational appropriateness. But then she said “well, I mean, we haven’t started to try to have kids yet, but if we couldn’t have kids of our own, then maybe I’d think about it.”

Ok. That was it. I told the girls they could finish their cinnamon buns in the car, bundled them up, and struck out for freedom. We were only a few feet away from the food court when my daughter said to me in hushed tone, “Mommy, I don’t like people ask me many questions. Makes me sad.”

I tamped down my own heartbreak and knelt down in front of her. “Sweetheart, people are interested because you are twins. Twins are very special. They are also interested because you are very beautiful and I am very beautiful too.” She giggled. “We don’t have to answer all their questions, though. This is our privacy. Just like bodies. We don’t have to share our stories with everyone. We need to be polite, but we don’t need to answer their questions, do you understand?” she nodded, and we continued out the doors.

After that encounter, I shook my head to myself. I should have know better than to linger in the mall, where we run into stranger after stranger. In our own neighbourhood, we are relatively free to go about our business. The clerks in the pharmacy and the baristas in the coffee shop know us as a family and have long passed the point of asking questions. We’re simply seen as a part of the neighbourhood fabric.

But an adoptive family can’t hide out. In fact, what kind of message does it send to our children if we aren’t proud and confident in our family’s existence? So we try to answer all the questions with grace, answering for our children’s ears. And define boundaries when others step way beyond the bounds of privacy and politeness.

If you aren’t an adoptive parent, you probably are a little surprised by the scrutiny and challenges we face. Here are some ideas about ways to interact with adoptive families you meet at your mall (or other places, like the parking lot at elementary school.)

Great things to do:

• Smile. Show that you think the kids are cute or you appreciate our family by smiling. This also allows us to get on with our shopping without having to interact with people every three seconds, and we still get your message.

• Say nice things that affirm our relationship, like “your children are so beautiful.” Who objects to that? Just please don’t expect us to carry on a prolonged conversation when our toddler is tugging at our leg and we need to get on our way. Just keeping it at the one sentence is great.

• If you are interested in adoption as an option for building your family, say so. Right off the bat. Right after hi. Then we will know where you are coming from. An adoptive family is not by default a social service, so don’t expect us to answer your questions. But most parents I know are happy to point you to an agency or an adoptive families group for more information.

• Don’t take it personally if we don’t want to have a prolonged chat. The shear volume of inquiries means that we don’t necessarily want to talk about your sister’s friend’s uncle who adopted a kid from “I can’t remember where.” We are the parents of young children... we have no time.

Horrible things - do not do these:

• Use language that undermines our child’s position in our family. Many adoptive children go through phases of wondering how they fit in or if they belong. They don’t need to hear this from strangers too! Avoid language that questions our relationships, like asking if they are our own children or if we are their real parents. Of course we are real and they are our own. That’s why they are screaming “Daddy! I want a candy!!!” at the top of their lungs.

• Ask how much our children cost. Let me tell you why this is so offensive. Child-trafficking is the opposite of adoption – children are bought and sold as commodities. It’s reprehensible. Adoptive parents usually have to scrimp and save to pay for the travel to pick up their children and to pay for lawyers. But they in no way paid for the kids. To assume that, is aligning parents with an illegal and abhorrent practice. Pretty offensive. Plus think of the poisonous thoughts that plant in listening children’s heads.

• Prod into our children’s personal history: can you imagine a stranger asking you about your most traumatic times while in the grocery store line? Don’t ask about their previous life traumas, such as biological family, if they were abused or starved, or if they suffer FASD or AIDS or some other disease. Uncool. Rude. Across the line.

• Make assumptions about our children, their past or their abilities based on their colour or background. Even positive assumptions can be hurtful, such as assuming that an Asian child is supposed to be good at math. This is also known as racism.

The cinnamon incident actually happened close to a year ago. Now that the girls are older and have seemingly lost that puppy pheromone that attracts little old ladies and grandpa-types, the mall-stopping ratio has fallen to about five stops in an hour. Shopping is much easier.

*****

"Nicky" is a proud supporter of Vulnerable Children Society.  This fantastic Canadian non-profit takes care of impoverished children in Ethiopia, whose lives have been affected by HIV/AIDS.  To sponsor a child or learn more, please visit http://vulnerablechildren.ca/.

Thank you, Nicky, for sharing such valuable information about addressing adoptive families!

*****

Photo Credit:  Robyn of Dim Sum and Doughnuts

You should also check out another adoption blog. Robyn over at Dim Sum and Doughnuts wrote a very funny piece, based on a collaborative effort of other adoptive parents, about what not to say to adoptive families.  Her post, We Don't Care If You Stare, can be found here.  Read it.  It's good.  :)

Read Part 1: Pregnancy & Family Types
Read Part 2:  Families with Unique Children

And that ends our What (Not) To Say Series.  If there is a topic that you would like to see addressed, please leave a comment or email us.

Now go forth and be confident in speaking positively with families who appear different than your own.